TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CRITICISM:

Criticism sucks. If you’re being rightly criticized, your ego needs to shake it off like a wet dog and keep wagging it's tail. And if you’re being unjustly ‘dissed, you’ve still got to keep your ego limber so that you can objectively fight for your dignity. Either way, criticism is a call to be your classiest self.

1. Expand. Sometimes criticism stings because we know the criticizer has a valid point. After you’ve done the inner wince, take a deep breath and get back in the ring. And look, just because you may need to clean up your act a bit, it doesn’t mean that you’re a full scale loser. We're all just bozos on the same bus, as my dear friend Donna would say. So literally, take a deep expansive breath, with your fists unclenched. You sustain less injury when you do NOT brace for impact. I guess that's why they call it "rolling with the punches."

2. Admit that it stings. “Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I’m up for it.” Honesty when criticized is a great equalizer and a show of nobility and maturity.

3. Don’t react...yet. Sometimes it’s best to just listen and simply say, “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you've said and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” So many of us are so adrift from our deep sensitivity that it takes some time to clearly know how we feel. So just take the time, it’s better than a half-cocked reaction that you’ll regret. And if you do say something you regret, or you don’t say what you think you should have…

4. Go back to it. Feel free to bring it up again, even if it was a closed subject. "I thought more about what you said and I just wanted to let you know that….” It’s better to clear the air after the fact than it is to bury your feelings.
5. Be compassionate to your criticizer. This can really soften the situation. Giving honest criticism is no fun for most people, and it’s often a case of, “This is going to hurt me as much as it might hurt you.”

6. Consider the source. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, to succeed is to “earn the appreciation of honest critics.” So firstly, you need to consider your source and their motivation. If you feel you’re being inaccurately criticized, then you need to say so in no uncertain terms. This is tricky because you may be perceived as being defensive. In this case, it’s good to refer to point #3. Collect your thoughts and give a rebuttal that shows your strengths {I’m a rock star because I…} and describes the challenges of the situation {I’ve been operating on a dime budget…}

7. Don’t take any shit. Sometimes you have to play hardball. I once got a super crappy performance review from a manger at a retail job. I got on the phone right away and called the big cheese. “There’s no way I’m signing this review and there’s no way I’m quitting. I think she's losing her marbles." My knees were shaking but I knew I had to do it. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only person complaining about Crazy Manageress. She left shortly thereafter. And guess who got promoted?

8. Know your rights. Sometimes there are legalities to consider. Your job may be on the line. If you lip off, and it leads to a dismissal, you want to know what your rights are – employers may need to formally warn you in writing, etc. You also have the right to be treated with respect no matter how severely you screw up. Criticism given without care is irresponsible.

9. Bring closure to it. If you’re being asked to improve in some way, then ask for specific measurables – you can’t run a race if you don’t know where the finish line is. Be extra diligent about checking in on mutual satisfaction.

10. Say thank you. Whether you’ve been rightly our wrongly critiqued, say thanks – either way, it’s a learning opportunity.

11. Lick your wounds. Bruises need icepacks and hotbaths. Be sweet to yourself because tomorrow is another day and you're up for the ride. Life never dishes out something you can't handle.


By Danielle LaPorte

How to Ask for a Raise

Step 1

Evaluate your worth. Make a list of your accomplishments, skills and contributions.

Step 2

Arm yourself with information. Know what a normal raise is for someone of your experience and occupation.

Step 3

Assess your supervisor's mood and outlook. Is he or she ready to consider your request?

Step 4

Choose an appropriate time of day. Make an appointment or ask if there are a few minutes to spare. Plan for an end-of-business-day meeting.

Step 5

Consider asking for a specific amount that's a little higher than what you want. Say 8 percent when you would be happy with 6 percent.

Step 6

Be realistic. If your company is going through tough times but you still feel deserving, decide how you'll respond if a lower amount is offered.

Step 7

Be flexible. Would you consider a supplement in perks, time off, flextime or vacation time in lieu of a raise? Negotiate.

Step 8

If your supervisor turns you down, have a plan ready and regroup.

Visual Deal-Breakers for Daters

A few weeks back I had a great time working on an upcoming "Man in the Street" feature for Marie Claire. We asked women what makes a guy dating material, and the most common answer was: someone who has it together, and has goals and ambitions.

"Having it together" goes beyond the mental aspect. I've realized that women can take one look at me and size me up as someone who doesn't have it together, and may have no ambition. My disheveled appearance could stand some adjustments.

Here are some elements that I should work on to look more "together":

#1 Dating Element: Posture
I walk around as if I'm auditioning for the lead role in a Nosferatu remake. My shoulders are rolled forward, and I'm hunched over. I can't tell whether I'm tired, too relaxed, or what. But there's one thing I do know, women like tall guys. I'm cheating myself with my bad posture. If I stand up straight, I'm 5'11" (well, 5'10 and .99999999 inches); nothing to write home about, but it is over the average for the American male (5'9"). I should take advantage of anything above average about me. Standing up straight will also make me look more confident.

#2 Dating Element: Holes
You've read about the moth holes in my clothes, but there are other places where holes pop up. Assuming that women don't notice my shoes is naive, considering their love of all things shoe-related. I get everything I can out of a pair of sneakers. Plus, I'm too lazy to go out and buy new ones. My current sneakers are literally wearing away to nothingness. I could act as a visual aid for one of those old guys telling stories about the Great Depression: "In my day we used cardboard boxes for shoes." My friend Margaret, the other day, stuck her finger into the bottom of my shoe and struck foot! She declared that my porous shoes were responsible for my bad luck with the ladies. If only it were that simple...

#3 Dating Element: Hair
This "hair" refers to cat hair. You know you're in trouble when someone takes a look at you and asks, "Do you have a cat?" I'm always running late, so I don't have time to apply the lint roller before I leave my apartment. Cat hair has a mind of its own and silently floats around and attaches itself to important spots on clothing.

#4 Dating Element: Fingernails
I chew my fingernails to the hilt. In addition to being a dirty habit, it makes my hands look terrible. My fingernails are so low that people sometimes cringe when they look at them and ask me how bad it hurts. We all know I'm an anxious person, but wearing that anxiety on the outside in the form of jagged, bleeding fingernails is not going to attract many women. I've been trying to kick the habit for awhile, and when I do maybe I'll look like I have my life together more... or at least I'll look like I'm not eternally nervous.

It never occurred to me that women might see me and think I don't care how I look, and then make the connection to me not caring how my apartment looks, and not caring about my life goals and aspirations. I've let my apathetic attitude permeate my appearance, and that's not good.

Things are going to change. The other day, Margaret forced me to buy a wallet. So, I'm no longer walking around with random cards in my pockets and misplacing certain cards. The wallet is a symbol for me pulling it together. As Margaret says, "No girl likes it when a guy buys them a dinner with a balled-up wad of bills."

Laughter: Not Just for Funny Stuff

A cackle and a giggle can mean different things.

Scientists say there are two types of laughter: the kind that comes from pure glee, and the kind that's meant to send a social message. New research suggests autistic children don't often express the latter type, a finding that could reveal more about the nature of human laughter.

From the beginning

Laughter probably predates human speech by millions of years, scientists think. It likely evolved as an early form of communication to help people negotiate group dynamics and establish hierarchy, said William Hudenko, a psychologist at Ithaca College who led the new study.

Babies usually learn to laugh before they learn to speak.

"We think it's so hardwired that even infants start to use laughter in order to promote affiliation and bonding with caregivers," Hudenko told LiveScience.

People are about 30 times more likely to laugh in the presence of others than alone, reinforcing the idea that laughter is a social phenomenon.

And though we associate laughter with humor, a large proportion of laughs aren't in response to anything remotely funny. Rather, they are often just affirmations, communications, or expressions of joy.

We laugh "to kind of grease the social wheels," Hudenko said.

Two types

Laughter mainly comes in two types, researchers think: voiced, and unvoiced.

"We need more research to be done to understand the function of voice versus unvoiced laughter, but our best hypothesis is that unvoiced laughs are probably used more to negotiate social interactions, and voiced might be more linked to a positive internal state," Hudenko said.

So voiced laughter - the prototypical, belly-laugh type, that sounds more like sing-song - is usually spontaneous. We create the sound with our vocal chords (hence the name), and usually laugh this way naturally and spontaneously.

Unvoiced laughter, however, is more of a conscious expression. We make these panting, grunting, snorting noises when we are trying on purpose to laugh, usually for a social purpose, such as to ease conversation or make friends.

For adults, each type of laughter represents about 50 percent of the total. Young children may express more voiced than unvoiced laughter, as they haven't yet learned to purposely laugh.

But strikingly, Hudenko and team found that autistic children almost never produce unvoiced laughs. They monitored kids between ages 8 and 10 playing in a lab, and set up situations that would elicit laughter, such as falling block towers and squeaky balloons.

The test group of autistic children laughed just about as often as the non-autistic kids, but the autistic children's laughter was 98 percent voiced, while non-autistic children produced both types.

"We take this as some preliminary evidence that children with autism might not be using laughter the same way," Hudenko said. "Our hypothesis is that typically-developing children, through the course of development, learn a large repertoire of laugh sounds in order to negotiate social circumstances. We suspect the children with autism are not attuned to the same social subtleties."

Developing skills

The finding helps underscore the different purposes of the two kinds of laughter. It could also help researchers design better ways to help kids with autism navigate social situations.

"The idea is that we might be able to help them to express laughter more readily during social interactions," Hudenko said. "This shows that these children with autism have a really fantastic skill that might help them to promote relationships with individuals."

In fact, research shows that most people prefer to listen to voiced laughter more than unvoiced. Call it our suspicious nature: We react better to laughter that is spontaneously produced, rather than laughter that is calculated to send a message.

This fact could prove beneficial to autistic children, who tend to produce the more popular variety of laughter.

"We at least know they're producing sounds that other people like to hear," Hudenko said. "We think this is a powerful first start to look at ways we might be able to use emotional capacities these children already have instead of trying to teach them some new skill."

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

If Your Writing Slants…

To the right: You are open to the world around you and like to socialize with other people.

To the left: You generally like to work alone or behind the scenes. If you are right-handed and your handwriting slants to the left, you may be expressing rebellion.

Not at all: You tend to be logical and practical. You are guarded with your emotions.

If the Size of Your Letters Is…

Large: You have a big personality. Many celebrities have large handwriting. It may suggest that you are outgoing and like the limelight.

Small: You are focused and can concentrate easily. You tend to be introspective and shy.

Average: You are well-adjusted and adaptable.


If Your Loops Are...

Closed for L (meaning the upstroke overlaps the downstroke): Feeling tense? This implies you are restricting yourself in some way.

Full for L: You are spontaneous and relaxed and find it easy to express yourself.

Closed for E: You tend to be skeptical and are unswayed by emotional arguments.

Full for E: You have an open mind and enjoy trying new things.

If Your S’s Are…

Round: You are a people-pleaser and seek compromise. You avoid confrontation.

Pointy: You are intellectually probing and like to study new things. The higher and pointier the peaks, the more ambitious you are.

Open at the bottom: You might not be following your heart. For example, you always wanted to be an artist, but you have a career in finance.


If You Want Neater, More Legible Handwriting

Write out this sentence in your normal, everyday style: A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. (Don’t worry if you use a mix of printing and cursive. By high school, more than two-thirds of people combine them, according to writing specialist Steve Graham.) So how does it look? If it’s a scrawled mess, start by slowing down. In addition to that general rule, experts recommend focusing on five target areas to improve the appearance and the legibility of your handwriting. Read their advice, and study which example they say is the model style (the last sample, in each case). The goal? Script that is easier to read―even “note”-worthy.

1. Line Quality

If your writing is faint, like a bad photocopy, simply focus on pressing harder. If you pressed so hard that your fingers got sore, correct your grip: Try to hold the pen between the pads of your middle finger and thumb, with your index finger resting on top. If you have trouble retraining yourself, try using an ergonomic pencil grip.

2. Alignment

Does your sentence tilt up or down on the page? If the answer is yes, use an index card to guide you when you write on unlined paper. Use the top of the note card as the base for each line of writing. And use the space between the lines on the card as a reference for the amount of space you should leave between the lines of your note.

3. Slant

To straighten up a bit, adjust the angle of the paper. Think of your writing space as a clock, with 12 o’clock straight ahead. If you’re right-handed, rotate the page so that the bottom-right corner is at 4 o’clock and the top-left one is at 10 o’clock. For lefties, the bottom-left corner should fall at 8 and the upper-right corner at 2.

4. Spacing

If your letters and words are too close together, they blend into one another. Too far apart and they get lost in space. Imagine a lowercase o split vertically in half. That’s the correct amount of space to leave between each letter. A full lowercase o should fit between words.

5. Letter Formation

Everyone has a letter or two that manage to get mangled in daily penmanship. Lowercase letters, especially vowels, are the usual suspects. Look at what you wrote and circle the letters that aren’t completely closed or are missing stems. Be more mindful of them and slow down.

Write On

How you craft letters and words can indicate more than 5,000 different personality traits, according to the science of graphology, also known as handwriting analysis. To introduce students to the field, graphologist Kathi McKnight has them write She sells seashells by the seashore in cursive. Why cursive? Graphologists say it gives them a better read on a person. Try writing the same sentence now in cursive (even if you usually print), then read on to see how graphologists might characterize you. (Note: Each analysis corresponds to the handwriting sample to its right.)

By Amanda Armstrong

How to Detect Lies

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Signs of Deception:
Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off.In other words his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

@http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php

In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.