Moulding young achievers

One problem many parents might face with children is their lack of urge to study or start on their homework. The advent of technological gadgets such as computers is not doing anything to help the situation.

To overcome the problem, first find out or observe what is discouraging your child’s progress.

According to research on mindsets carried out by Prof Carol Dweck from Stanford University, some of the factors stopping children’s drive for success include a wrong learning mindset and negativity. The lack of motivation could also be due to bad past experiences or impatience for results.

So, motivate your child by developing the right mentality in them and turn their passion into action.

» Eliminate negativity

Some children feel unmotivated because they feel incompetent. Sometimes, this could be due to parents’ negative comments like "You’re stupid" or "Why aren’t you as good as the rest?"

These remarks make children lose their motivation to study because they will feel they are naturally stupid, incapable and there’s nothing that they can do about it.

So, highlight your child’s positive traits instead and help them use these traits as motivating factors to drive their desire to do better in studies.

» Enforcing discipline

It is important to instil in your child the habit of doing homework and studying so that it becomes a routine that comes naturally and not as something that is very difficult to do. For example, make 8pm the study time every night.

Set realistic and reasonable rules like if they don’t finish their work or study, they won’t get their TV time. Then they’ll have a motivation to start their homework and do their revision.

» Compliment effort

Appreciate your child’s effort. When children feel that their hard work is valued, they are likely to keep trying and keep working.

Brilliant children might stop putting in an effort if they are praised merely for being intelligent.

They may either feel over-confident with their natural ‘talent’ or they want to stay on the top and not make mistakes, so they don’t want to move forward. It stunts their motivation.

According to Dweck, the key to overcome this is to praise children’s effort and not their intelligence. Intelligence can be developed through effort, but without effort, intelligence can only bring you that far.

» Failures as lessons

Help your child see failures as learning opportunities. When your child did badly in his test, motivate by telling him that the mistakes in the test are lessons that will help him improve.

From these mistakes, he will learn the correct answers to the questions so that he won’t repeat the same mistakes next time.

Every mistake serves a purpose; help your children see the positive in every mistake so that they will continue to stay motivated even when they fall.

Motivation and drive can be developed in a child if you nurture the right mindset – that success comes with hard work, patience and very often, failure is the key to success.

Good & Easy Flirting Tips

Flirting is the art of playfully drawing the attention of a desirable man or woman and holding it. Doing it probably already comes naturally to you. Doing it well takes practice. Mastering it can mean a date for next Saturday night. Next time you go out, practice these 10 simple flirting tips to catch the eye of that cute guy or girl and keep it.

Confidence

The key to good flirting is confidence. Before you go out, put on your favorite dress or jeans, a hot top and/or your favorite scent. Make yourself feel sexy. If you feel sexy, other people are more likely to think you are, too.

Carriage

Posture goes hand-in-hand with confidence. A woman who stands up straight gives a much more likable first impression than a woman who slouches. Males who hunch look like underachievers to women, ruining any good flirting technique.

Grooming

You've got the confidence and posture, but you still need to project an air of upkeep. Make sure your hair is clean and shiny and that you smell clean. Bad breath, body odor and greasy hair can distract anyone from a good flirting technique.

Touch

When flirting, touch the other person lightly. A feathery touch is slightly sensual and makes the other person feel like you are comfortable around her.

Brush

Just like a feathery touch, brushing back a strand of hair from his forehead or a piece of lint from a shirt collar is putting yourself in his comfort zone. This is an intimate moment that can be a turn-on.

Eye Contact

Eye contact can be a great way to flirt with or without words. Catch the person's eye and hold it with your own. Grin just a little and don't blink. Let the moment smolder.

Hair

If you're a woman, you may want work your hair as you flirt. Twirl your hair around your finger, run your fingers through it or smooth it with your hand. It will get the guy thinking about touching your hair.

Attention

Pay genuine attention to what the other person says and respond to it. Intelligence is sexy. Feigning interest is not.

Mirror

While flirting, mirror your companion's body language. This will make them feel at ease. Try to do it without being obvious, though. Move your hand to your chin a few moments after he does, for example, or take a drink of your beverage a couple of seconds after she does.

Smile

The most important part of flirting successfully is having fun. Try to always have fun with it and don't take it too seriously.


Alina Bradford has been a writer for 11 years. She has written for dozens of online and traditional health and parenting publications, such as Pregnancy.org, Mama Health and Tots to Teens. She is also a gamer that has written dozens of gaming articles and several gaming guides. As an artist for more than 20 years, her work has been used in magazines and websites around the glob

6 Signs Your Guy is Cheating

It’s every woman’s worst relationship fear — that her man is cheating. We’ve all heard the statistic: half of all men cheat. And some experts say that number is even closer to three quarters. Could it be happening to you? Aside from finding lipstick on his collar, a mysterious condom in his pocket or, yes, a phone number on a napkin (helpful hints but unlikely clichés!), there are some red flags to watch out for to tip you off that something fishy might be going on. The following are six signs that should raise your eyebrows:

1. He’s Acting Differently.
The most telltale sign of a cheating man is that he’s acting differently than the way he used to. If any of the signals below describe your guy’s usual actions, don’t freak out and immediately assume he’s having an affair; he’s probably just being his quirky self. What you should be suspicious of is new developments, says Barbara Feld, LCSW, a couple’s therapist at Park Avenue Relationship Consultants in New York City. She says you should ask yourself, “Is what’s happening different than normal? Is he showing a real change in behavior?” If he’s always been private, hasn’t ever had the highest sex drive, or often flakes out on plans, that’s just who he is. It’s when he starts to be that way and never was before that you should start asking questions.

2. He’s Avoiding You.
If your guy has suddenly started coming home much later, seems to be making excuses to be out of the house, starts going away with out you on the weekends, or just generally seems to be avoiding you, that’s a clear indication of trouble in your relationship. M. Gary Neuman, a licensed family counselor and the author of “The Truth About Cheating” found that 61 percent of cheating men said they started spending more time away from home. 55 percent of men about to cheat said the same thing. No matter how busy your guy may be, he should be making an effort to see you (because, hello – he loves you, right?). If he’s stopped making time for you, it’s not at all unreasonable to wonder if he’s making time for someone else.

3. You’re Having Less/Different Sex.
You might think that cheating men stop sleeping with their partners completely. But that’s not always the case. According to M. Gary Neuman, a little less than half of cheating men report having less sex with their partner. Others keep having sex so that they don’t raise suspicions – sneaky b------ s. So be alert to the amount of sex you’re having, but most of all, pay attention to the quality of the sex. Therapist Barbara Feld says sometimes when a guy is having an affair, the quantity of sex remains the same, but it’s the sex itself that changes. Maybe it used to be very romantic, and feel more like making love, and now it just feels like plain old sex.

4. His General Response to You Has Changed.
If a guy is having an affair, he may stop acting like the sweet, romantic man you fell in love with. Maybe he used to be very loving and kind towards you, but now he seems to get annoyed easily, be critical, or pick fights. If he’s consistently not being affectionate with you, don’t brush it off. Try to figure out why he’s different – and what could be distracting him, or making him feel guilty.

5. He Has Suddenly Become Very Private.
It’s just not normal for your guy to always go into a different room to answer calls, keep his cell phone in his car, or get really private about his bills (unless, of course, your man is a privacy freak and you knew that going in). But if he suddenly stops checking his e-mail in front of you, has turned the bathroom into a phone booth, and has redirected the bills to his office, it’s a fair guess than an affair is under way.

6. He is Unreliable
Quite simply, says Barbara Feld, “is he where he says he will be?” If he’s never where he says he’s going to be, it’s a certain sign he’s lying to you about something. Maybe he says he’ll be at the office, but you call and he’s not there. Or he says he’s with a friend, and that friend then calls looking for him. Everyone’s plans change sometimes, but if your guy is consistently not where he says he will be, it’s very possible it’s because he’s with another woman.

What to Do?
If your guy is showing any of these six signs, talk with him about it. Tell him things feel different than they used to, and you want to know what’s going on. “If he tells you everything is fine but you know it’s not, continue to pursue the issue,” says Barbara Feld. “You can also suggest, ‘let’s talk to someone together,’ and get couples therapy.”

Don’t turn a blind eye on your relationship. If things are bad, getting bad, or just feel strange, do something about it. Even if you guy isn’t having an affair, all the signs above could be signals that he’s about to. By addressing – and working with him to fix – whatever is going on in your relationship, you can prevent an affair from ever happening in the first place. If you’re noticing negative changes or problems in your relationship, address them now, while they’re still small. Maintaining a strong relationship with open communication is one of the best things you can do to ensure fidelity—both on his part, and on yours.

Betty’s Sexpert Amber Madison is a sex educator and author of Hooking Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality, and Talking With Your Kids About Sex, to be released this March

Top 5 Mistakes We Make Teaching Kids About Money

We all make stupid money mistakes. Find out if you're making bad money decisions with this advice from Kodak spokesperson and money expert Laura Rowley.

1. Becoming a Human ATM Machine
Give children an allowance and let them know what they have to pay for out of their own stash—whether it's the ice cream truck, the goodies in the $1 aisle at the discount store or that Scholastic book order form that comes home from school. This reduces nagging, allows them to develop math skills and learn from their mistakes. It's amazing to see how much more they value the things they paid for themselves.

2. Overlooking Every Day Lessons
Don't miss opportunities to discuss simple economics in every day settings. While grocery shopping, explain why it's smarter to choose the package that costs less per pound, or the more affordable generic brand; and why it makes sense to stock up when an item is on sale. Explain why savvy savings habits make sense: "By saving just $15 a week using the grocery store's loyalty cards and coupons, we'll have almost $800 at the end of the year to spend on something fun."

3. Not Involving Kids in Longer-Term Goals
Solid money management comes down to two things, planning ahead and making choices. If you're planning a vacation, talk to the kids about the budget: airfare, lodging and entertainment. Take a coffee can and label it the "Vacation Fund" and throw in your loose change at the end of the day. Take the coins to the bank and show the kids how the money is adding up; and how the bank will pay you interest for storing the cash in a savings account. Give them a specific budget for souvenirs—say $15—and suggest they increase it by earning cash for the trip through lemonade stands, dog sitting or lawn mowing.

4. Missing the Opportunity to Motivate Their Savings Habits
If your kids put money in the bank, match their contributions. I took my kids to our local bank branch when they were 8, 6 and 4 and opened savings accounts for all of them. I matched the money they deposited, using the opportunity to discuss how a 401(k) plan works and why someone should contribute up to the amount of the company match (free money!).

5. Not Explaining How Plastic Works
According to a study by Nellie Mae, the student loan firm, the average college freshman has $1,500 in credit card debt, and that figure doubles by the time they graduate. Some 56 percent of college seniors carry four or more credit cards. That's when the real trouble starts, because if teens lose the battle to understand and manage credit cards at 18, the damage can haunt them for years. An estimated 70 percent of employers check credit scores before they hire. Over time, a low credit score will suck tens of thousands of dollars out of your child's pocket when they seek financing for an auto or a home. Consider allowing a teen to practice with a pre-paid, reloadable debit card such as Visa Buxx. It has fewer fees than competing cards and features parental controls—such as setting a weekly cash limit. Parents can also get email alerts showing when and where a teen used the card, setting the stage for discussions about wise spending.

By Laura Rowley

How to Live to 100

People often ask me if it is actually possible to live to age 100, especially if they had bad habits in the past. I always answer that while aging is inevitable, poor health is not. Read on to find the most effective ways to live to 100.

It really is possible to live to 100.
The good news is that your body was designed to be 100 — but, you have to get out of the way. Getting out of the way means taking an honest look at the habits and lifestyle you are living with today. Most of us have developed habits that limit our true health potential. But don't let these bad habits of the past discourage you. What matters is what you do from this moment forward. Leave behind the habits that aren't serving you — smoking, eating fast food, and so on — and start choosing habits that your body needs to thrive.

Lifestyle habits that age you most quickly
The culprits that will most quickly age you and negatively affect your health are:

1. Poor diet
2. Lack of exercise
3. Stress and worry
4. Exhaustion
5. Unhappiness
6. Lack of love
7. Toxic overload
8. Blockages and congestion of the transportation highways within our bodies.

Healthy habits to live long
It takes 14 to 21 days of repetitive behavior to form a new pattern in your brain. Once the pattern is formed, it becomes an automatic behavioral response. As you develop new healthy habits, they will begin to replace bad habits. Here are some of the most transformative longevity habits:

1. Drink more water
Drink 8 glasses of fresh, filtered water every day. Water is very important for proper lymphatic drainage and hydrating the cells to prevent buildup of toxic waste products. Your safest bet is filtered water. The best kind of filtration processes for removing contaminants use activated charcoal, which removes the impurities but leaves the water-soluble minerals. Avoid water softeners, which take away essential minerals. To learn about a high-performance filtration system that I recommend, click here.

2. Eat like a centenarian
The rural community of Rugao, four hours north of Shanghai, enjoys the reputation as the "longevity county of China" because there are over 200 centenarians in the small region -- the highest number per 1,000 residents anywhere in China. Rugao residents eat mostly fish, vegetables, mushrooms, seaweed, corn and buckwheat. There was virtually no meat or poultry present in the majority of their diet. Scientists have confirmed the health benefits of a diet high in fish and vegetables and low in animal products.

Know what foods to enjoy and what to avoid:
• The very best thing you can do for your health is to eat a wide array of colorful
fruits and vegetables every day.
• Eat fish and cut back on meat and poultry.
• Choose the right fats. Cut back on saturated fats like butter and avoid all trans
fats. Instead, choose mono-saturated fats: olive, sesame, canola, flax, and fish
oils.
• Avoid all refined sugars.

3. Restore with regular rest
Get 7 to 8 hours of quality sleep every night.

4. Take the stairs!
Take a walk. Go for a swim. Join the gym. Find an exercise activity that works for you and stick to it, practicing at least four times a week for thirty minutes a session. Regular exercise can strengthen your immune system, uplift your mood, maintain joint mobility, increase energy - the list goes on and on!

5. Manage your stress.
Stress is the root cause of most of the diseases that shorten our life span. Meditation is a powerful way to manage your stress level. For the best results, meditate every day. Start with five minutes and work your way up to fifteen or twenty minutes. (See 3 Easy Beginner Mediation Techniques.) For a guided CD that is filled with meditations for living to 100, click here. Another option? Get your exercise and stress-management all in one by beginning a tai chi practice.

6. Detoxify your surroundings.
With environmental factors causing ever more damage to our well-being, it is important to know what to look out for and avoid. For starters, you can avoid many dangerous chemical compounds if you buy organic foods and use glass and recycled paper products. In addition, it is beneficial to undergo periodic detoxification treatments with special dietary and herbal regimens to lower your body's toxic load. An herbal blend that is specially formulated for helping your body detoxify is Internal Cleanse. Also learn how to eliminate the toxins with this 5-Step Detox to Revitalize You.

I hope you found the answers to get you started on your own longevity quest! I invite you to visit often and share your own personal health and longevity tips with me.

May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

Dr Mao

6 Financial Moves That Sound Good -- but Aren't

For most people, each and every day involves some type of financial decision. So how do you feel about your financial decision-making skills? If you think you are making sound choices, ask yourself this: Have you weighed the consequences of your choices against their apparent benefits? In many cases, the answer is no.

Let's take a look at six common financial choices that sound like smart moves, but could leave you scratching your head wondering where you went wrong.


1. Applying for a Line of Credit
Advantages: Starting a line of credit will diversify your credit sources, which is good news for your credit score. It also allows you to access funds you may need for large purchases, like buying a car, without having to scramble to arrange the funds when you decide to buy.

Consequences: A line of credit is too often treated like free money. In many cases, such easy access to funds leads borrowers to rack up consumer debt for things they don't really need. And there's nothing free about this cash injection: borrowers have to make minimum payments on the line's outstanding balance. In addition, a balance will limit borrowing power on other loans, such as a mortgage.


2. Withdrawing From Your EPF or Retirement Savings to Pay Down Debt
Advantages: If you have a big debt to pay off, you may choose to either put off contributing to a retirement or savings fund, or to withdraw money from an existing fund. The upside to this is that paying down debt is a good thing, and the sooner it is paid off, the greater the savings in interest expenses for the borrower.

Consequences: By withdrawing funds set aside for retirement, you are robbing yourself of the benefits of compounding. Also, pulling the money out of your savings could leave you in a very bad position should something unexpected, like a job loss, happen. The earlier you start saving, the more money you will be able to accumulate for retirement. If properly invested, money saved now is almost always better than more money saved later. (For more on the power of compound interest, see Compounding Your Way To Retirement.)


3. Choosing Only the Safest Investing Vehicles
Advantages: If you invest in risk-free or nearly risk-free vehicles, the risk of losing your hard-earned cash is extremely low. This can be a viable option, especially if you are nearing retirement.

Downside: However, you are again missing out on the opportunity to have your money work for you. Take into consideration your age and stage of life when deciding your risk level. Although everyone's risk tolerance is different, generally speaking, the younger you are, the riskier you can afford to be. This is because you have the time to make up any losses, and also because the higher risk may be warranted because it helps combat the effects of inflation on your portfolio's gains. The closer you are to retirement (or to whatever goal you are saving for) the more conservative you should be in order to protect your investment. (To learn more about risk, see Determining Risk And The Risk Pyramid.)


4. Avoiding Debt Altogether
Advantages: "Debt free". It sounds good, doesn't it? And it can be. Living debt-free is a wonderful goal and is more achievable than you might think.

Downside: However, debt can also be a tool. If, in your quest to remain debt free, you are turning down "good debt", that is, debt that allows you to leverage your investments, you are doing yourself a disservice. Examples of good debt include taking out a mortgage to buy a house. This is because houses and property tend to appreciate over time, and owning your home can lower your living expenses compared to renting. Another example would be taking out a student loan for post-secondary education. While student debt can be a huge responsibility, it is also an investment in yourself that boosts your potential earning power.


5. Cutting Your Variable Spending
Advantages: If you are looking to cut your spending, this suggests that you have a budget to modify. That's great! Often variable expenses (expenses that are not fixed, such as entertainment, dining out and personal spending) are out of line with the amount we earn. An honest appraisal of where your money is going is a great step to getting your budget in fighting shape.

Downside: This seemingly great idea is only great if you include the second part of it: sticking to your new budget. Unrealistic expectations, or treating your budget goals as "guidelines" rather than rules, could leave you spending more than ever. (For more tips, see Get Emotional Spending Under Control.)


6. Paying Off a Major Loan in One Payment
Advantages: You've been working hard and saving – smart! Before your loans start accumulating interest, or even if they have, you decide to pay them off in one payment. That's a wonderful accomplishment that will save you months', or years' worth of interest.

Downside: If you choose this route, make sure you take a look at your interest rate. Some loans have such a low interest rate that you'd be better off putting your money in a savings account that earns you a higher return and paying off your debt monthly. Keep in mind this is only a good idea if 1) your savings interest rate is higher than your debt interest rate and 2) you are disciplined enough to pay the debt off on time, every month, and not to spend your hard-earned cash on luxuries instead. The bonus? Responsibly paying off monthly debt helps you to establish a good credit history. This is especially helpful if you don't have a credit history or you are trying to rebuild a bad one).

There's nothing worse than making a choice you thought was conscientious only to find out it had hidden consequences. Make sure you do your homework and your financial situation will be the best it can be.

9 Signs a Guy Is a Keeper

#1. Keeper clue: He has his act together.
This seems like a no-brainer, but it's a good place to start. "It's very important that you two be able to have a lot of fun together, so a party boy or a screw-up will probably not work out for you," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a family and couples therapist and author of Is He Mr. Right? "No matter how charming he is, if he is still struggling to grow up, it will get very old, very fast."

#2. Keeper clue: He puts you first.
Picture a delicious platter of grilled steak. Does your man offer it to you first to pick the best piece? He does if he's a keeper! "When it comes to taking the best piece of meat or offering it to you, that's a metaphor for how he'd always put you first the rest of your life," says Rachel Greenwald, author of "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought of You After Your Date."

#3. Keeper clue: He's not afraid of your germs.
You know a guy is really into you when he can't stay away, even when you're bedridden and snotty. "When you're sick with the flu, he says, 'Let me come over and take care of you,' rather than, 'Oooh, you sound really contagious... call me when you're feeling better,'" Greenwald says.

#4. Keeper clue: He's a family man.
He asks about your family, and he seems to genuinely want to hear about them. "Interest in your family shows that he thinks about you as a whole person, and he knows that being with you means understanding and accepting your relatives too," says Sarah Harrison, senior editor of yourtango.com.

#5. Keeper clue: He makes time for your friends.
In the beginning of your relationship, does your man show an interest in meeting your besties? And does he follow it up with a plan, like hosting a low-key dinner party? "Friends are an important part of your life, and his knowing them makes him more involved with you." Harrison says. "Plus, he'll have to deal with them at some point, so initiating it himself shows maturity."

#6. Keeper clue: He's your biggest cheerleader.
And she even has a poem:
When your guy calls your mom to tell her about your promotion before you do, that should tell you something. A man who is supportive of you and your goals is typically a guy who doesn't "feel threatened by your success," says Kirshenbaum. "He knows who he is and where he's going," which means he can ultimately be there for you.

#7. Keeper clue: He remembers the little things.
Does your man really listen to you? You'll know he's a keeper if you tell him you have a big scary work meeting and the next time you talk, he asks how it went. Or if you tell him you left your sunglasses at his house and he remembers them on your next date. "Following up on things you say to him means he pays attention to you -- always a good sign," Harrison says.

#8. Keeper clue: He's happy when you're happy.
This is the guy who "goes to a chick flick with you on Friday night rather than an action film -- not because he actually wants to, but because it makes you happy," says Greenwald.

#9. Keeper clue: He makes you the best you can be.
A guy who makes you feel like the luckiest woman alive -- like you can (and should!) be your confident, fabulous self -- is worth hanging on to. "It's not just about how you feel about him but more about how he makes you feel about yourself," Kirshenbaum says.

The confidence factor

It is show-and-tell day at school. Little Jack is afraid to step forward to share with his classmates what he brought to school to show them.

"I can’t do it, I’m not good," he says.

At other times, Jack does not want to try new things. He frequently thinks he is not good at anything and speaks negatively of himself. He finds new challenges frustrating and gives up easily.

Nurturing self-esteem in a child, like in many other areas of parenting, requires conscious effort.

Self-esteem can be defined as the opinions and feelings we have of ourselves. How we perceive ourselves affects our attitudes, what we do, and how we feel and behave towards ourselves and others.

Children with good self-esteem tend to be more positive, and will take on new challenges without giving in to anxiety and failure.

When children fail at something, and are encouraged to try again and again until they succeed, they learn to develop positive ideas about their own capabilities.

When parents are around to encourage and guide them in forming these right feelings they have about themselves, children will grow to have higher self-esteem.

They will have positive ideas of their own abilities, and feel more accepted and loved.

In helping children build self-esteem, we must first of all remember that they are unique. Accept them by recognising that each has his/her own unique talents and help to nurture their different abilities.

We should never ever compare them with other children.

Choose your words carefully. If she is not made out to be the next Mozart, do not make her feel unworthy and useless by saying: "Look at Jill, she can play the piano so well, why can’t you?"

Or if she compares herself with Jill, help her see that she is good at other things and praise her for her efforts in playing the piano.

Reward her effort even if she did not win the coveted Pianist of the Year award.

Instead of labelling your child as a "naughty boy", separate the bad behaviour and deal with it without judging the child.

Tell him/her: "What you did to your friend was not good" instead of "You were so naughty".

Allow them to make some of the decisions on their own. This does not mean that you give them total freedom to do as they please.

By letting them decide on simple things, as long as their choices are not detrimental or extreme, our children will learn independence and be self-decisive.

Allowing them to make their own judgments and feel good about the outcome also help strengthen their self-worth.

In that way, they gain confidence and their self-esteem is raised.

As parents, we can provide them with a safe and loving environment. Be there for them, listen to them and build up the trust and respect between parent and child.

When children know that they are loved for who they are, they feel more secure.

Positive feelings about themselves will in the long run help them be confident with people, experiences and challenges they would come across in their lives in the future.

4 Dumbs Financial Moves In The Recession

You can almost hear the collective slaps to the head.

This recession has brought to light dumb money management practices, forcing just about all of us to confront our financial foibles.

Maybe, for instance, you're one of the ones who panicked and sold during the market bottom. Or, you believed housing prices were guaranteed to rise.

The federal government is tapping behavioral economists -- experts on why we humans make the money judgments we do -- to help devise regulations so that people don't take on unaffordable mortgages and to help them understand their actual credit card fees.

But these efforts just scratch the surface. Here are four common mistakes that surfaced during this economic turmoil, and fixes that we can put in place to prevent ourselves from making the same costly error again:
4 recession regrets

1. Not having emergency reserves.
2. Panicking over the market collapse.
3. Investing in the "sure" thing.
4. Ignoring the fine print.

Regret 1: I didn't have emergency reserves.
Outsmart yourself: When we're confident about our security, stashing cash can seem like a waste. We'd prefer to put the dollars into a "better" use, whether it be sprucing up our home or going on vacation.

Last year, when the unemployment rate started soaring, so did the savings rate of suddenly scared Americans.

If you were one of those scrambling to build emergency reserves, you may abandon the practice once your fear subsides -- setting yourself up for another panic at the next sign of trouble.

So prevent yourself from slipping out of the savings habit by establishing an automatic withdrawal from your checking to a liquid savings. Moreover, if you instruct the bank to sweep a certain sum into a short-term CD when your balance reaches a prescribed level, you won't be tempted to raid the emergency stash.

"The idea is to create a mechanism that will force a habit," says Dan Ariely, a Duke University behavioral economist and author of "Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions."

If disaster does strike, there may be a small penalty to cash in a CD, but at least there'll be money to tap, says Ariely. Not all banking institutions may agree to automatically set up a short-term CD, however, so you might have to direct yourself periodically by putting the task on your calendar as a "must do."

Regret 2: I panicked when the market collapsed.
Outsmart yourself: Once a powerful emotion sets in, don't expect to overcome it, says Ariely. So head off the fear before it takes hold, he says.

When the market took a plunge earlier this year, Ariely says he personally took deliberate steps to block the reports of the Dow's dive. "I didn't want to look at my accounts online, so I input the wrong password three times. That locked me out," he says.

Don't listen to the business news, either, if that will rattle your resolve to hold your investments, Ariely adds.

Moreover, before an investment drops precipitously, you may want to set up alerts (many brokerage houses and financial Web sites offer this service) so that you receive an e-mail when a stock price drops to a certain level. Although he doesn't think most individuals know enough about a particular company to wisely invest in stocks, Eric Toya, a financial adviser based in Redondo Beach, Calif., says that these alerts could spur investors to talk with their adviser about keeping a holding that's losing value.

Regret 3: I greedily overinvested in a 'sure' thing.
Outsmart yourself: Studies have shown that the human brain's "wanting" system strongly activates when an asset goes up in value, driving us to buy more, says Paul Zak, director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont Graduate University.

So even if you've sworn that you'll never again put the bulk of your wealth in a single asset, like a house or a stock fund, what's to stop your brain from getting excited when the next "big" thing rolls around?

Enlist your financial adviser, your partner or a trusted friend to dampen your excitement, says Michael Ervolini, head of the Boston behavioral finance firm, Cabot Research.

While a broker or financial adviser may not actually be able to prevent you from dictating that you'd like to sink your money in one investment type, you can ask him, even put it in writing, to dissuade you.

Cleveland financial planner Kenneth Robinson says his clients sign off on a written asset allocation plan, which helps them stick to the resolve to diversify.

And, says Ervolini, especially if you invest with a partner who has a vested interest in the success of your investment plan, establish a pact that you won't make moves unless you've both talked it over.

Finally, for those who can afford to set aside some "play" money, a separate fund can placate the desire to follow the hot trend without "betting the farm," says Zak.

Regret 4: I didn't read the fine print on my loan.
Outsmart yourself: If you're one of those homeowners with a mortgage that seemed cheap initially but has since proven ridiculously expensive, chances are "you were just following what you thought was acceptable wisdom" when you took the loan, Ariely says.

"Figuring out how to borrow is very complex," he says. Instead of delving through loan documents and plotting out just how much payments can rise, consumers are lured into complacency when they hear platitudes like "you can always refinance" or "if you're moving again in a few years, you don't have to worry."

Make a pact with a partner or friend that you won't take on debt without reading all the fine print, says Ervolini.

The federal government aims to make that easier with proposed reforms, like requiring a lender to give a one-page outline of a loan's risky features.

Still, complex loans will likely stick around. Ervolini says, "If you are not willing to read and really understand what a loan is all about, pledge that you'll go with the plain vanilla option."

4 Things That Make Women Unapproachable

Sometimes it seems like no amount of silent prayer or sassy outfit will get that cute stranger to take a hint and chat you up. Could you be scaring away single men before they even approach you? We asked the male members of Marie Claire's online community for dating and relationship advice: What female behavior makes you scared to go in for the kill?

#1. You look angry. Hey, perma-scowl: swap the pouty lips for a genuine, friendly smile and your eye candy for the night will be more likely to approach you. The majority of men agreed that an unfriendly facial expression will keep them from approaching you, so flash those pearly whites at the guy you've been eyeing!

#2. You're not locking eyes. What's harder than approaching a stranger? Approaching a stranger who hasn't acknowledged your existence with even a brief look. "I need to see, by her looking and smiling at me, that she wants me to approach her. If I don't see it, I don't approach," says Anonymous. So next time you think he catches you looking at him, don't look away. Hold your stare for a few seconds so he knows you're looking, and that you like what you see.

#3. You're too flirtatious. A chip on your shoulder is a turnoff to any guy waiting to make his approach, but so is the other extreme. Istillhatescreennames is put off when women cross the line from friendly to flirty...with everyone they see. "If she's flirting with lots of guys. Nothing like a woman who is basically telling everyone in the place that she's open for business with anyone," he says. "Flirting with everyone" would put him off, agrees Anonymous, adding another pet peeve: "Grinding out on the dance floor (yeah, it's fun to look at, but I like to look at strippers too...I wouldn't take any home to meet my mom)." Sure, he'll notice you if you're the loudest, most aggressive girl in the room -- but not in a good way.

#4. You're surrounded by friends. Admit it, your awesome group of friends can be a little intimidating, especially when a strange guy approaches to hit on just one of you. Seanc writes, "Being surrounded by more than one friend makes her less approachable because of the embarrassment of being rejected in front of more people." Make sure you're giving him the opportunity to approach you alone. Check out the jukebox and linger for a bit, or offer to grab the next round of drinks for your friends.

9 Ways to Make Your Relationship Last

1. Delineate "yours," "mine," and "ours." If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from "together" activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you're busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together -- at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you'll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently. Don't judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a "just because" way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner's pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she's had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the "terms" of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year,it's a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other -- whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a "contract" to ruin your relationship.

What Women Really Want From Men

God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them "opposite." The sex war has raged since for 5,ooo years. But it's time we called a truce... starting with men negotiating their terms of surrender.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Just look at the evidence. What excites men? Food, footy and the Playboy channel. The trouble is, women get all excited about nothing... and then we marry him.

Over half of all marriages today end in divorce, (and let's face it, more ought to!) and the majority of these divorces are initiated by women. (Obviously many marriages break up for religious reasons - he thinks he's a God and well, she just doesn't.)

Marriage statistics are currently lower than Britney Spears's bikini line. And as we now know that marriage suits men much better than it suits women, (married men live longer than single men, have less heart disease and mental problems, whereas single women live longer than married women and have less heart disease and mental problems), I suspect that it's women who are getting PMT. - Pre Monogamy Tension.

As it's in a man's interest to keep us happy, it might be helpful to give them a list of what a woman's looking for in her Knight in Shining Armani.

First and foremost, we want a man who knows that 'mutual orgasm' is not an insurance company. (If he persists in this attitude, may I suggest you adopt the "doggy position" - where he begs - and you just roll over and play dead.)

We also prefer a man who does half the housework and the odd sensitive thing with mange tout. (The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. That is NOT aiming too high.)

We favour a bloke who talks to us too. I often feel that my small intestine communicates with me more often than my husband. After all, word play is foreplay for females. How else is Woody Allen still getting laid?

But girls, do you know what really makes a man perfect? Being perfect enough to understanding why we're not.

How to Avoid Sabotaging Your Job

In today's workplace, there are more ways to damage your career than ever before. An errant tweet. An erroneous Facebook post. A heated email exchange. All of these can sully an otherwise impeccable reputation, as can a litany of faux pas in front of your coworkers.
Workplace expert Alexandra Levit, author of "How'd You Score That Gig?," shares her insights for avoiding the stumbling blocks and temptations that inhabit our work lives and work spaces.

1. Keep your focus on the networking part of social networking.
She says, "You have to set boundaries as to how you use various social networks (e.g. Facebook for personal, LinkedIn for professional) and make sure you communicate those boundaries so that feelings aren't hurt." While Facebooking has become a part of many people's workdays, Levitt says, "Don't let your boss and coworkers catch you chatting and playing with Facebook applications when you should be working."

2. Avoid sending a tweet in the heat of the moment.
Twitter is a great tool to help raise your reputation. Levitt advises, "Use your real name on Twitter to network with people you wouldn't have the chance to communicate with in real life, and send them valuable information or interesting tidbits about their field. Just don't get caught up in the heat of the moment. Before you post something on Twitter, think about whether you'd want to read it on the front page of the Wall Street Journal.

3. Finding friends at the office is fine -- but don't look for love.
You spend a lot of time at the office, so it may be tempting to become involved with a colleague. She states, "You can pursue friendships in other departments and with friends of your coworkers, but don't ever date a boss or a direct report. And refrain from dating an immediate coworker unless you can handle seeing that person every day if the relationship goes south."

4. Appearances count around the office.
Don't let casual Fridays be your fashion downfall. Levit, also the author of "Success for Hire," says, "Pay attention to what constitutes business casual in your workplace (i.e. what others are wearing) and dress accordingly -- although business casual usually means khakis and a butto- down shirt. And no matter what the trend du jour is, "Don't ever wear short-shorts or flip-flops to work."

5. Practice proper email etiquette.
Almost everyone has trouble managing their inboxes these days, so don't be so quick to send unnecessary emails -- or those that might stir the pot around the office. She counsels, "Only 'reply to all' if every person on the string really needs to hear what you're saying. Always check the list of people in the 'to' and 'cc' lines before sending any e-mail. Don't hit reply too quickly in case that reply-to-all function is accidentally on, and don't use e-mail for negative or controversial discussion."

6. Think before you speak.
Converse carefully with coworkers, especially at first. "Spend more time listening than you do speaking. Show an interest in other people, but don't discuss anything that you wouldn't talk about with your grandmother or religious officiant -- especially with a coworker you don't know extremely well. In general, steer clear of sex, drugs, and politics," she reveals.

7. It's good to be heard -- but not all the time.
Watch your volume control around the office. And don't be afraid to speak up if someone else's volume is distracting you. Levit urges, "Say nicely that you're on the phone with a client and ask if he wouldn't mind keeping it down a bit. Never allow your desire to avoid confrontation affect your work effectiveness."

8. Just say "no" to complaining.
Everyone has complaints at the office, but it may be best to avoid sharing them with coworkers. She admits, "It's good to get negative emotions off your chest by venting to a close friend or family member, but don't complain at work at all -- people won't like you. Instead, think of ways to turn a bad situation into a more positive one and approach your boss and coworkers with solutions rather than problems."

9. Handle alcohol with care.
Sometimes bonding over food and/or drink is part of business. According to Levit, "It's OK to have fun at happy hour with your colleagues, but keep it to a one- or two-drink maximum. Don't drink at lunch or during daytime business meetings, and don't ever get drunk with coworkers even in evening, social settings. You'll end up saying or doing something you'll regret (and your coworkers may not forget)."

10. Know the difference between sharing and oversharing.
There's a fine line between a caring coworker and an overbearing one. She urges, "Develop close friendships with coworkers over a period of time, assessing how much you can trust them before you disclose too much personal information. However, do not assume someone is going to be your best friend just because you work in the same office eight hours a day; and when it doubt, you should err on the side of caution."

Bored To Tears

EVEN if your children are good at amusing themselves most of the times, there may come a day when they get bored. That is when parents have to find ways to keep them occupied.

Try a couple of these ideas here and the boredom will soon be a distant memory.

Children love playing with other children of their own age so if you can, try to arrange some play dates for them.

Parents generally love play dates as it gives them a couple of hours of peace either when the child is at another house or when he is being entertained in his own house by a friend.

Children also love the special attention they get when their own parents play with them. Don’t worry if you aren’t very creative; your children aren’t measuring your imaginative capabilities.

If it is a nice day, take your child out exploring. If you live near a beach, go visit it even if the sun isn’t shining. Children don’t care about getting a little wet – so long as it is not a torrential downpour, a little rain won’t hurt them.

Children also love messing about in the sand. Younger ones will build sandcastles while the older ones will dig moats or play ball games.

Bring a picnic with you as the combination of sea air and exercise will lead to hungry tummies!

Children also love playing with water either swimming in the sea or in a pool. If you opt for the pool, you could take your child to a structured swimming class or else go as a family group.

If swimming isn’t convenient but the weather is nice, take your child out to the local park and play some ball games. Ball games are great fun but they also help teach sharing and team building while developing eye-hand co-ordination and balance.

If your child is small, you may find that he crawls to the ball as this is quicker than walking.

Don’t stress out about how dirty he is getting or what he is crawling in. Children need exposure to dirt and germs as it helps to build up their immune system.

I would suggest, however, that you only allow him to play in a dog-free zone.

If you like gardening, why not take the children out to the back garden. Most youngsters, particularly the younger ones, love to do what mummy and daddy do.

You can give them an area for their "own" garden. Just remember that most children lack patience so whatever you choose to grow, make it fast growing. An example of something that is easy and low maintenance would be cress or radishes. You can cheat by buying a couple of herb plants to plant in between.

For older children, you can let them grow carrots or potatoes in grow bags and small containers. My son loves sunflowers simply as they grow so much taller than him.

Studies also show that children eat more vegetables and fruit if they have grown them themselves.

So, if you like to cook, get your children to help. Younger children can still help you cook – let them stir the bowl and maybe even lick the spoon when you are finished.

If the weather is awful, why not head to the local library. Reading is one of the best educational things you can do for your children.

Not only are you helping them improve their education but you are also opening up a wonderful world of make-believe that may well go with them through adulthood. After all, most Harry Potter readers are quite a bit older than the original intended audience.

You could rent a DVD and make some popcorn and throw your own ‘cinema’ evening. While resorting to the TV all day every day is not good for children, the odd hour here and there never hurt anyone.

Dust off some old board games and sit down as a family to play. Just pick a game that is age appropriate or you may find the boredom quickly turns to frustration and temper tantrums.

Don’t try to overdo it on the educational front though. Children are supposed to have fun playing and will learn something from all sorts of situations.

10 Ways to Be Liked in Your Job Interview

No matter your resume and talents, if you mess up a job interview you won't get that position. In today's tough economy you need every possible edge. As authors of the new book, "I Hate People! Kick Loose from the Overbearing and Underhanded Jerks at Work and Get What you Want Out of Your Job," we see it as a simple equation: You want to be liked -- not hated.

Here are 10 simple things to do that will dramatically increase your chances: from wearing the right expression, to knowing what not to say, to never ever breaking a sweat.

1. Don't be a "smiley face."

Excessive smiling in a job interview is seen for what it is -- nervousness and a lack of confidence. A smiley-face person exudes phoniness, which will quickly be picked up by the interviewer. Instead be thoughtful and pleasant. Smile when there's something to smile about. Do a practice run in front of a mirror or friend.

2. Don't be a small-talker.

Your job is to be knowledgeable about the company for which you're interviewing. Random facts about last night's episode of "Dancing with the Stars" or your favorite blog will not get you the job. Never feel you have to fill an interview with small talk. Find ways to talk about serious subjects related to the industry or company. Pockets of silence are better than padding an interview with random babble.

3. Don't sweat.

You can lose a job by wearing an undershirt or simply a little too much clothing. Sweaty palms or beads on your forehead will not impress. You are not applying to be a personal trainer. Sweat will be seen as a sign of weakness and nervousness. Do a practice run with your job interview outfit in front of friends. The job interview is one place you definitely don't want to be hot.

4. Don't be a road block.

Interviewers are seeking candidates eager to take on challenging projects and jobs. Hesitance and a nay-saying mentality will be as visible as a red tie -- and seen as a negative. Practice saying "yes" to questions about your interest in tasks and work that might normally give you pause.

5. Don't be petty.

Asking the location of the lunchroom or meeting room will clue the interviewer into your lack of preparation and initiative. Prepare. Don't ask questions about routine elements or functions of a company: where stuff is, the size of your cube, and company policy on coffee breaks.

6. Don't be a liar.

Studies show that employees lie frequently in the workplace. Lying won't get you a job. In a job interview even a slight exaggeration is lying. Don't. Never stretch your resume or embellish accomplishments. There's a difference between speaking with a measured confidence and engaging in BS. One lie can ruin your entire interview, and the skilled interviewer will spot the lie and show you the door.

7. Don't be a bad comedian.

Humor tends to be very subjective, and while it may be tempting to lead your interview with a joke you've got to be careful about your material. You probably will know nothing about the sensibilities of your interviewer, let alone what makes them laugh. On the other hand, nothing disarms the tension of a job interview like a little laughter, so you can probably score at least a courtesy chuckle mentioning that it's "perfect weather for a job interview!"

8. Don't be high-maintenance.

If you start talking about the ideal office temperature, the perfect chair for your tricky back, and how the water cooler needs to be filled with imported mineral water, chances are you'll be shown a polite smile and the door, regardless of your qualifications. Nobody hiring today is going to be looking for someone who's going to be finicky about their workspace.

9. Don't be a time-waster.

At every job interview, the prospective hire is given the chance to ask questions. Make yours intelligent, to the point, and watch the person across the desk for visual cues whether you've asked enough. Ask too many questions about off-target matters and you'll be thought of as someone destined to waste the company's resources with insignificant and time-wasting matters.

10. Don't be a switchblade.

Normally the switchblade is thought of a backstabber, often taking credit for someone else's work. In an interview setting, the switchblade can't help but "trash talk" his former employer. If you make it seem like your former workplace was hell on Earth, the person interviewing you might be tempted to call them to find out who was the real devil.

Copyright 2009 Jonathan Littman and Marc Hershon, authors of "I Hate People!: Kick Loose from the Overbearing and Underhanded Jerks at Work and Get What You Want Out of Your Job

How Police Spot A Lie

Forget what you've learned from years of watching cop shows on television. Liars do not have trouble making eye contact. The guilty don't fidget. Culprits don't sweat more. As a matter of fact, research indicates that innocent people tend to be more nervous when they are being questioned because they are very intent on proving that they didn't do it. Liars come in with a script in their heads.

"A lot of different signs of anxiety are mistaken for signs of deception," says Kevin Colwell, a forensic scientist at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven. He says research shows that even for the innocent, the whole tenor of an encounter with police can make it harder to remember things accurately. "In interrogation the whole goal is to convince somebody or trick them or coerce them whatever it takes to get them to confess to the crime."

Colwell is on the forefront of a movement to change that mindset and convince law enforcement and other interrogators that encounters with suspects are opportunities to get information, not just a moment to elicit a confession. The concern is that if an interviewer is already convinced that someone committed the crime they are investigating, interviewers stop searching for other answers. And that can lead to mistakes.

Seek Information, Not a Confession

This approach, of seeking information rather than a confession, is already well entrenched in Britain. Back in the mid-1980s, after a raft of cases involving false confessions, British courts ruled that officers were no longer allowed to use aggressive techniques — such as lying about evidence — to goad suspects. Interrogations in Britain also have to be taped. This has changed the way UK officers interview a suspect. They chat them up, and start by asking questions to which they already know the answers. The police in Britain say this shift in strategy hasn't reduced the number of confessions.

Colwell and a forensic psychologist at National University in La Jolla, Calif., named Cheryl Hiscock-Anisman have been doing this kind of interrogation research for years. As a general matter, they have found that people who are making up a story prepare an airtight, simple script that is easy to remember. People telling the truth have no script because, basically, they lived the story. So they tend to recall unrelated details and often make mistakes.

Colwell and Hiscock-Anisman have been working on a system that draws that contrast more vividly. And they've been taking their theories out into the field.

They are training police officers across the country to look for verbal patterns instead of fidgets. Just weeks ago they sat down with a group at the San Diego Police Department.

Sergeant Romeo De Los Reyes sat in on the session and, initially, was a little skeptical. "We've always learned that communication is 60- to 90-percent non-verbal," he said. "So this was a different approach to dealing with deception."

Now he sees this approach as another tool for his interview toolbox.

Ask a Simple Question

Basically the system asks an interviewer to pay attention to words and verbal cues rather than focusing on non-verbal communication. Hiscock-Anisman suggests interviewers begin with a non-threatening question. "For example, when I was living in Texas and I was running inmates for one of my studies we asked, 'what was the first day like for you in prison?'" she said. She chose that question for two reasons: it was a vivid memory, and it was very likely to get a truthful answer.

"There's no need to lie about your first day in prison, even if you're an inmate," she said.

The first question is designed to give interviewers a baseline of sorts. It gives them an idea of how much detail someone provides when they are telling a story truthfully. Next, interviewers are supposed to ask the person to tell them about the event under investigation. Then they compare the two stories. Does the suspect use the same number of descriptive phrases? Is there the same kind of recall? All these things are very important when trying to turn a gut instinct about whether someone is lying, into something more rooted in specific patterns.

Then comes the harder question, which Hiscock-Anisman says often separates the liars from the truth-tellers. "I say, now what I want you to do is I want you to go back to that time and I want you to describe every single thing that happened but this time I want you to tell me what happened last and work all the way backwards," she said. She laughs. "A liar is going to have a hell of a time, right?"

Try this the next time your teenager comes home late.

The point is, the research indicates that a person who is being honest tends to provide tons of little facts, anecdotal details that you only get from living a situation. In fact, Hiscock-Anisman says she's found that truth-tellers tend to add about 30 percent more detail than people who are lying.

But there are still practical questions on how law enforcement might use this approach. San Diego's De Los Reyes says the system might work with someone who has to decided to talk, but what about someone who is refusing to cooperate? That's unclear. Even so, the San Diego Police Department has asked Colwell and Hiscock-Aninson to come back, to do more training.

5 Compliments Every Woman Loves To Hear

Words of appreciation spoken directly to your romantic partner go far in paving the way to a happy, healthy relationship. What is sometimes too easily forgotten: disagreements among couples (from trifling to serious) can nearly always be overcome with a few words of gratitude from a partner (a.k.a., a healthy dose of authentic compliments). But it takes more than a "Hey Baby, you're hot" to really win points with your partner here. These are the top five compliments every woman loves to hear. If you can't remember the words verbatim, remember the key principles: appreciation, support and acceptance. This is the triage to a strong, lasting and powerful romantic endeavor.

1.You're Irreplaceable. This is a surefire way to light up your partner’s eyes. Saying these words (with full eye contact, of course) lets the special one in your life know that you know who she is as a person and that you value her as a unique individual. Why is this so effective? Think about when you break up with someone and part ways. One of the worst ramifications of the break-up is finding out, via Facebook update or chattering among friends, that you've been replaced by someone new. On the flip side, hearing from your current partner that you're valued for more than what you look like scores big, meaningful points.

2. You bring light to my life. Yes, we know this sounds like a bit much. But bear with us and let us make one point: relationships can go off course when one or both partners takes for granted the contributions the other makes to their lives. Saying this shows that a man understands and remembers that a women chooses to be with her man and opts to give her energy and time to him. Showing he appreciates that she shares her life with him is symphonic to a woman's ears. If the word light is a tad too over-the-top for you try replacing it with happiness, joy, sunshine—whichever word you can say with genuine meaning.

3. You are perfect just the way that you are. This one takes the gold star award for ability to make a woman’s day, week, month or even year (if, that is, whenever she gets miffed at you for something small she recalls you saying this to her). Ingrid Michaelson sang it best with her lyrics to the song "The Way that I Am." If you really want to make your partner's day, we suggest e-mailing this song or youtube video to the woman you love. Deep, lasting love is unconditional. Showing that you comprehend and embrace this idea will touch your partner way more than superficial comments such as, "Your earrings are cute." Read: Dating A Golddigger

4. I love your (fill in the blank: bright eyes, cute toes, toned arms, sleek legs, silky hair). We did not mean to give the impression above that we women do not like to hear you notice when we put extra effort into looking foxy for our man. But what’s key here is that what you say is genuine. Don’t just pick any random feature. Think about it. What is your partner’s best physical attribute and why do you like it? Telling your partner this will show her you pay attention to details, and to her.

5. I am so proud of you. A big deal-breaker in any relationship can be supporting one another’s life goals or not. Paying attention to your partner’s current goals she is working hard to achieve endear her to you for life. Whether it is paying off her credit card debt, completing a class, putting in extra hours to earn a promotion or even trying to better balance her life, show your loving support for your women. Her heart will melt then and every time thereafter she remembers when you supported along the way to making things happen and brushing off when the chips are down.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CRITICISM:

Criticism sucks. If you’re being rightly criticized, your ego needs to shake it off like a wet dog and keep wagging it's tail. And if you’re being unjustly ‘dissed, you’ve still got to keep your ego limber so that you can objectively fight for your dignity. Either way, criticism is a call to be your classiest self.

1. Expand. Sometimes criticism stings because we know the criticizer has a valid point. After you’ve done the inner wince, take a deep breath and get back in the ring. And look, just because you may need to clean up your act a bit, it doesn’t mean that you’re a full scale loser. We're all just bozos on the same bus, as my dear friend Donna would say. So literally, take a deep expansive breath, with your fists unclenched. You sustain less injury when you do NOT brace for impact. I guess that's why they call it "rolling with the punches."

2. Admit that it stings. “Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I’m up for it.” Honesty when criticized is a great equalizer and a show of nobility and maturity.

3. Don’t react...yet. Sometimes it’s best to just listen and simply say, “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you've said and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” So many of us are so adrift from our deep sensitivity that it takes some time to clearly know how we feel. So just take the time, it’s better than a half-cocked reaction that you’ll regret. And if you do say something you regret, or you don’t say what you think you should have…

4. Go back to it. Feel free to bring it up again, even if it was a closed subject. "I thought more about what you said and I just wanted to let you know that….” It’s better to clear the air after the fact than it is to bury your feelings.
5. Be compassionate to your criticizer. This can really soften the situation. Giving honest criticism is no fun for most people, and it’s often a case of, “This is going to hurt me as much as it might hurt you.”

6. Consider the source. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, to succeed is to “earn the appreciation of honest critics.” So firstly, you need to consider your source and their motivation. If you feel you’re being inaccurately criticized, then you need to say so in no uncertain terms. This is tricky because you may be perceived as being defensive. In this case, it’s good to refer to point #3. Collect your thoughts and give a rebuttal that shows your strengths {I’m a rock star because I…} and describes the challenges of the situation {I’ve been operating on a dime budget…}

7. Don’t take any shit. Sometimes you have to play hardball. I once got a super crappy performance review from a manger at a retail job. I got on the phone right away and called the big cheese. “There’s no way I’m signing this review and there’s no way I’m quitting. I think she's losing her marbles." My knees were shaking but I knew I had to do it. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only person complaining about Crazy Manageress. She left shortly thereafter. And guess who got promoted?

8. Know your rights. Sometimes there are legalities to consider. Your job may be on the line. If you lip off, and it leads to a dismissal, you want to know what your rights are – employers may need to formally warn you in writing, etc. You also have the right to be treated with respect no matter how severely you screw up. Criticism given without care is irresponsible.

9. Bring closure to it. If you’re being asked to improve in some way, then ask for specific measurables – you can’t run a race if you don’t know where the finish line is. Be extra diligent about checking in on mutual satisfaction.

10. Say thank you. Whether you’ve been rightly our wrongly critiqued, say thanks – either way, it’s a learning opportunity.

11. Lick your wounds. Bruises need icepacks and hotbaths. Be sweet to yourself because tomorrow is another day and you're up for the ride. Life never dishes out something you can't handle.


By Danielle LaPorte

How to Ask for a Raise

Step 1

Evaluate your worth. Make a list of your accomplishments, skills and contributions.

Step 2

Arm yourself with information. Know what a normal raise is for someone of your experience and occupation.

Step 3

Assess your supervisor's mood and outlook. Is he or she ready to consider your request?

Step 4

Choose an appropriate time of day. Make an appointment or ask if there are a few minutes to spare. Plan for an end-of-business-day meeting.

Step 5

Consider asking for a specific amount that's a little higher than what you want. Say 8 percent when you would be happy with 6 percent.

Step 6

Be realistic. If your company is going through tough times but you still feel deserving, decide how you'll respond if a lower amount is offered.

Step 7

Be flexible. Would you consider a supplement in perks, time off, flextime or vacation time in lieu of a raise? Negotiate.

Step 8

If your supervisor turns you down, have a plan ready and regroup.

Visual Deal-Breakers for Daters

A few weeks back I had a great time working on an upcoming "Man in the Street" feature for Marie Claire. We asked women what makes a guy dating material, and the most common answer was: someone who has it together, and has goals and ambitions.

"Having it together" goes beyond the mental aspect. I've realized that women can take one look at me and size me up as someone who doesn't have it together, and may have no ambition. My disheveled appearance could stand some adjustments.

Here are some elements that I should work on to look more "together":

#1 Dating Element: Posture
I walk around as if I'm auditioning for the lead role in a Nosferatu remake. My shoulders are rolled forward, and I'm hunched over. I can't tell whether I'm tired, too relaxed, or what. But there's one thing I do know, women like tall guys. I'm cheating myself with my bad posture. If I stand up straight, I'm 5'11" (well, 5'10 and .99999999 inches); nothing to write home about, but it is over the average for the American male (5'9"). I should take advantage of anything above average about me. Standing up straight will also make me look more confident.

#2 Dating Element: Holes
You've read about the moth holes in my clothes, but there are other places where holes pop up. Assuming that women don't notice my shoes is naive, considering their love of all things shoe-related. I get everything I can out of a pair of sneakers. Plus, I'm too lazy to go out and buy new ones. My current sneakers are literally wearing away to nothingness. I could act as a visual aid for one of those old guys telling stories about the Great Depression: "In my day we used cardboard boxes for shoes." My friend Margaret, the other day, stuck her finger into the bottom of my shoe and struck foot! She declared that my porous shoes were responsible for my bad luck with the ladies. If only it were that simple...

#3 Dating Element: Hair
This "hair" refers to cat hair. You know you're in trouble when someone takes a look at you and asks, "Do you have a cat?" I'm always running late, so I don't have time to apply the lint roller before I leave my apartment. Cat hair has a mind of its own and silently floats around and attaches itself to important spots on clothing.

#4 Dating Element: Fingernails
I chew my fingernails to the hilt. In addition to being a dirty habit, it makes my hands look terrible. My fingernails are so low that people sometimes cringe when they look at them and ask me how bad it hurts. We all know I'm an anxious person, but wearing that anxiety on the outside in the form of jagged, bleeding fingernails is not going to attract many women. I've been trying to kick the habit for awhile, and when I do maybe I'll look like I have my life together more... or at least I'll look like I'm not eternally nervous.

It never occurred to me that women might see me and think I don't care how I look, and then make the connection to me not caring how my apartment looks, and not caring about my life goals and aspirations. I've let my apathetic attitude permeate my appearance, and that's not good.

Things are going to change. The other day, Margaret forced me to buy a wallet. So, I'm no longer walking around with random cards in my pockets and misplacing certain cards. The wallet is a symbol for me pulling it together. As Margaret says, "No girl likes it when a guy buys them a dinner with a balled-up wad of bills."

Laughter: Not Just for Funny Stuff

A cackle and a giggle can mean different things.

Scientists say there are two types of laughter: the kind that comes from pure glee, and the kind that's meant to send a social message. New research suggests autistic children don't often express the latter type, a finding that could reveal more about the nature of human laughter.

From the beginning

Laughter probably predates human speech by millions of years, scientists think. It likely evolved as an early form of communication to help people negotiate group dynamics and establish hierarchy, said William Hudenko, a psychologist at Ithaca College who led the new study.

Babies usually learn to laugh before they learn to speak.

"We think it's so hardwired that even infants start to use laughter in order to promote affiliation and bonding with caregivers," Hudenko told LiveScience.

People are about 30 times more likely to laugh in the presence of others than alone, reinforcing the idea that laughter is a social phenomenon.

And though we associate laughter with humor, a large proportion of laughs aren't in response to anything remotely funny. Rather, they are often just affirmations, communications, or expressions of joy.

We laugh "to kind of grease the social wheels," Hudenko said.

Two types

Laughter mainly comes in two types, researchers think: voiced, and unvoiced.

"We need more research to be done to understand the function of voice versus unvoiced laughter, but our best hypothesis is that unvoiced laughs are probably used more to negotiate social interactions, and voiced might be more linked to a positive internal state," Hudenko said.

So voiced laughter - the prototypical, belly-laugh type, that sounds more like sing-song - is usually spontaneous. We create the sound with our vocal chords (hence the name), and usually laugh this way naturally and spontaneously.

Unvoiced laughter, however, is more of a conscious expression. We make these panting, grunting, snorting noises when we are trying on purpose to laugh, usually for a social purpose, such as to ease conversation or make friends.

For adults, each type of laughter represents about 50 percent of the total. Young children may express more voiced than unvoiced laughter, as they haven't yet learned to purposely laugh.

But strikingly, Hudenko and team found that autistic children almost never produce unvoiced laughs. They monitored kids between ages 8 and 10 playing in a lab, and set up situations that would elicit laughter, such as falling block towers and squeaky balloons.

The test group of autistic children laughed just about as often as the non-autistic kids, but the autistic children's laughter was 98 percent voiced, while non-autistic children produced both types.

"We take this as some preliminary evidence that children with autism might not be using laughter the same way," Hudenko said. "Our hypothesis is that typically-developing children, through the course of development, learn a large repertoire of laugh sounds in order to negotiate social circumstances. We suspect the children with autism are not attuned to the same social subtleties."

Developing skills

The finding helps underscore the different purposes of the two kinds of laughter. It could also help researchers design better ways to help kids with autism navigate social situations.

"The idea is that we might be able to help them to express laughter more readily during social interactions," Hudenko said. "This shows that these children with autism have a really fantastic skill that might help them to promote relationships with individuals."

In fact, research shows that most people prefer to listen to voiced laughter more than unvoiced. Call it our suspicious nature: We react better to laughter that is spontaneously produced, rather than laughter that is calculated to send a message.

This fact could prove beneficial to autistic children, who tend to produce the more popular variety of laughter.

"We at least know they're producing sounds that other people like to hear," Hudenko said. "We think this is a powerful first start to look at ways we might be able to use emotional capacities these children already have instead of trying to teach them some new skill."