How To Say No to People

Saying no is a challenge that each of us faces every single day. Some of us are very good at saying no, while others struggle with the concept. Due to the need to "people please" or be popular, we sometimes take on anything and everything. This just isn't healthy! Here is how to say no even when it is uncomfortable.


1. Utilize your common sense. Saying no is uncomfortable sometimes, and it should only be done when there are no other viable options. Spend some time thinking over any requests before answering, and see if there is a compromise available. Do not rush to answer and then realize that you could have gotten by with saying maybe.

2. Answer people with a respectful no. When we are faced with a situation where it is not in our best interest to answer a request, it is important to decline and say no with kindness. Most people will accept rejection gracefully if it is done with respect.

3. Speak in an even, calm manner. When saying no, you should always keep your voice on an even keel. This will help to ease the stress of the situation, and avoid arguments. People like to get their way, and saying no will be stressful sometimes. Always remain calm when saying no.

4. Suggest an alternative to their request. Sometimes when you say no, it is an opportunity to help someone come up with a better idea. Do not be afraid to give them alternative choices. You may not be able to host that party, but you might be willing to help out in some other way. Think over any request and suggest another idea.

5. Stand your ground when you are challenged. Some people will not take no for an answer and this is when it is vital that you stand your ground. Do not give in to anger, bullying or abusive behavior. You have a right to say no to any request that you are uncomfortable with. Say no, and mean it!

Some Advice on Good Table Manners

1. Sit down properly with napkin placed on the lap.
   
2. Wait to begin eating until everyone is seated and has been served.
3. Stay seated in seats without jiggling in chairs, going under the table, or getting up and down.
4. Say, “Excuse Me,” and ask permission to leave the table.
5. Elbows do not go on the table.
6. Mouths should stay closed while chewing.
7. “May I please” and “Thank you” should be used when we would like some food and never reach across the table.
8. Participate in the conversation during dinner and no interruptions when other people are talking.
9. Slurping, burping, squealing, singing, humming are all sounds that are not to be made at the table.
10. It is never kind or polite to make negative comments about what is being served for dinner.
11. Before getting up at the end of the meal say, “May I please be excused?”
12. Thank the cook.

Mending A Broken Relationship

Have you ever had an argument with a friend or family member? Chances are that you have and that you know how difficult it can be to try to mend a relationship once an argument has taken place. Whether it is your pride or simply not knowing what you should say that gets in the way, you should never think that any relationship is too far gone without giving it another chance. Maybe during the coming Hari Raya celebration, you can take the opportunity to work toward mending your relationship that has gone sour.

1. Take responsibility - It is natural to try to point the finger of blame at the other person. No one likes to admit that they are wrong. But it is precisely this kind of pride that leads to so many relationship problems. The fact of the matter is that 9 times out of ten both parties involved in the argument are going to be partially at fault. Blaming your own insufficiencies on the other person only angers them more and the conversation naturally turns to argument. Once you have made the decision to mend a relationship you must also take responsibility for your actions and for the faults that you brought to the argument.

2. Apologize - It sounds like a simple thing to do, but saying "I'm sorry" can be very difficult. Apologizing is a significant part of mending a relationship because in doing so, not only are you swallowing your pride and showing humility, but you are also sincerely asking for the other person to accept your apology.

3. Listen to the other person's point of view - In an argument there are always two sides to a story. While we are arguing chances are that we are less likely to be really concentrating on what the other person is saying, and more likely to be thinking about what we will say next to further "stick it to `em." Once the heat of the moment has cooled express your desire to hear what the other person has to say and really sincerely want to understand where they are coming from.

4. Express your feelings - You cannot mend relationships by simply always admitting that you were wrong and giving the other person no responsibility whatsoever. Relationships involve two people and just as you were willing to hear out your friend, you should be able to now express what you were feeling when the argument took place. Speaking of your own emotions can be difficult especially if those emotions are still close to the surface. As best as you can, you should use "I" statements (statements where you begin your sentences with "I feel," "I thought," etc.) rather than on criticizing the other person.

5. Give it some time - Mending a relationship that has gone sour can take some time, especially if you have waited a long time to try to resolve your differences. Accept that there will be times when even after talking to each other respectfully you still feel hurt or offended. When something such as trust is broken it will take time to build that trust up again. Harsh words can cut deep and those wounds do not always heal over night. Be willing to do what it takes over the period of time that you and your friend will need to set things right again. If you really value the relationship you will give the other individual as much time as they feel that they need to forgive and forget. Remember that you cannot change the past; all you can do is try to build a better future relationship.

MAY I ALSO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WISH ALL MY MUSLIM FRIENDS

"SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN"

Warning Signs for Suicide

The San Francisco Suicide Prevention Crisis Line has listed the following as possible warning signs:

1. Talking about dying -- any mention of dying, disappearing, jumping, shooting oneself or other types of self harm.

2. Recent loss -- through death, divorce, separation, broken relationship; loss of job, money, status, self-confidence, self-esteem, religious faith; and loss of interest in friends, sex, hobbies or activities previously enjoyed.

3. Change in personality -- sad, withdrawn, irritable, anxious, tired, indecisive or apathetic.

4. Change in behaviour -- can't concentrate at school, work or on routine tasks.

5. Change in sleep patterns -- insomnia, often with early waking or oversleeping, or nightmares.

6. Change in eating habits -- loss of appetite and weight, or overeating.

7. Diminished sexual interest -- impotence or menstrual abnormalities (often missed periods).

8. Fear of losing control -- going crazy, harming self or others.

9. Low self esteem -- feeling worthless, shame, overwhelming guilt, self-hatred, or "everyone would be better off without me".

10. No hope for the future -- believing things will never get better; that nothing will ever change.

11. Other things to watch for -- suicidal impulses, statements, plans; giving away favourite things; and previous suicide attempts, substance abuse, making out wills, arranging for the care of pets, extravagant spending, agitation, hyperactivity, restlessness or lethargy.

Are Bad Dating Habits Keeping You Single?

Five tips to free yourself from common dating traps

1. Identify the dating traps you're stuck in
Think you've got to miraculously solve all your problems before you'll be deserving of love? Convinced there are no good "ones" left? Or do you believe that your perfect partner will one day swoop in and magically save you from your life? If any or all of the above sound familiar, chances are good that you suffer from some common dating traps.

In order to become a successful single, you first need to free yourself from these traps. Acknowledging the traps you're stuck in is the first step. Next, you've got to break free of these traps, as well as any other limiting or destructive beliefs that are keeping you stuck. To find out how, keep reading.

2. Assess your excess baggage
Next, it's important to get honest with yourself about what you might be lugging around with you on dates (or in life in general). What are you holding onto that no longer serves you? Rejection, disappointment, betrayal? This is from your past, not your present or future. If you've got negative or destructive beliefs or fears weighing you down, you owe it to yourself to dump that excess baggage!

3. Dump your excess baggage
In order to have a happily ever after future, you have to first believe you deserve finding a mate. Gather those painful memories, that chip on your shoulder, any residual anger from past relationship experiences, and tell them they've got to go. Thank them for the lessons you've learned and tell them that it's now time for you to stand on your own two feet. In your mind's eye, give them the heave-ho!

Next, start visualizing the kind of life you want to have, complete with your dream job, perfect partner, ideal home, etc. By getting clear about what you want, you give yourself permission to attract it.

4. Stop putting off your life and/or personal happiness
So many of us put off personal happiness waiting for some external result like "I'll be happy when I lose weight, when I pay off my debts, when I get a better job." The truth is, you deserve to enjoy your fabulously imperfect life right this very minute!

“When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting and new opportunities.” When you stop putting off happiness, you start attracting happy people, healthy relationships, exciting and new opportunities. Instead of postponing joy until something external happens, today's the day to start celebrating the joy in your everyday life.

5. Embrace a new dating vocabulary
Now that you're baggage light and dating-trap free, it's time to introduce a new vocabulary to your dating belief system. Every morning and night for 30 days, practice the following exercise: Say to yourself "Love/dating/my ideal relationship is..." and then fill in the blank with the appropriate words (words like healthy, whole, loving, fun, etc.). By creating a new vocabulary for yourself, you may be surprised at how your outlook on dating and relationships changes, and as a result, you'll start attracting happier and healthier potential partners. Love that!

So there you have it -- five simple dating tips and techniques to help you break free of limiting relationship beliefs and bad love habits. May you learn them, love them, live them. In doing so, you just may fall in love with your life all over again, not to mention exponentially increase your chances of future relationship success.

Good luck and happy dating!

Look of Love

MEN tend to wind up with life partners who look like their mother, while a woman is lured to a partner who looks like her father, scientists reported recently.

They are deeply attracted to individuals whose faces are similar to that of their opposite-sex parent, they said, suggesting that this characteristic is rooted in an evolutionary drive.

A team led by Tamas Bereczkei at the University of Pecs in Hungary created a model of facial ratios – width of jaw, distance between mouth and brow and so on – comprising 14 facial zones. They measured 312 Hungarian adults from 52 different families using this method. Each family included a couple, along with two sets of parents.

The researchers found a significant correlation in facial similarities between a woman’s mate and her father, and also between a man’s partner and his mother.

The team tested the model on faces that were randomly selected from the general population and repeated the experiment with a panel of judges, who also picked out the same pairings from randomly selected groups of photos.

Interestingly, men and women focused on different parts of the face when they home in on a potential mate, they found.

A man’s lover and his mother tended to have similar fullness in the lips, width of mouth, as well as length and width of jaw. But for women, the critical features were the distance between mouth and brow, the height of the face, distance between the eyes and the size of a man’s nose.

The choices are driven less by psychology and socialisation and more by evolutionary pressures, suggests Bereczkei.

Too much genetic overlap – as can happen with incest – is an evolutionary no-no. But seeking similar genetic traits "may confer individuals with additional adaptive advantages", he wrote.

It could increase the degree to which parents share genes with their offsprings, enhancing the genetic representation of future generations. Finding similar partners might also help perpetuate genetic complexes that have evolved to adapt to a particular environment.

Also, human couples who are similar in physical and psychological characteristics are more likely to remain together than dissimilar partners, possibly leading to an increase in fertility, the study concludes.

The research appears in the British journal, Proceedings of the Royal Society B. - AFP

How to Tell if a Guy Is Cheating

1. He's superprotective of his gadgets. "The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills," says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive.

2. He steps up the grooming. This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: "If your man starts grooming more without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's getting intimate with someone else," says Vranich. You can actually thank modern mass media for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his appearance, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym.

3. He smells different. "When he comes home, if he doesn't smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn't the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he's showered at her place," offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying "the nose knows" might very well be true.

4. Nothing fazes him anymore. "If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added intimacy and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy," Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships": "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and

whistling, then you need to find out why."

5. He becomes suspicious of you. "If he's normally a mellow type, all of a sudden he may want to know where you are all the time and with whom," says Vranich. "It's the result of him realizing that if he's cheating and it's not that hard, you might also be getting away with it." Also, beware of extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent "How was work today?" queries. He may be preparing epic answers because he's terrified of getting caught.

One caveat: If your romantic life hasn't fallen off, that's no guarantee that he's faithful. "It's a serious mistake to think that affairs are necessarily physical. He may just be unhappy in other parts of the relationship," says Kirshenbaum. In fact, an illicit relationship could even stoke his lust for you.