The confidence factor

It is show-and-tell day at school. Little Jack is afraid to step forward to share with his classmates what he brought to school to show them.

"I can’t do it, I’m not good," he says.

At other times, Jack does not want to try new things. He frequently thinks he is not good at anything and speaks negatively of himself. He finds new challenges frustrating and gives up easily.

Nurturing self-esteem in a child, like in many other areas of parenting, requires conscious effort.

Self-esteem can be defined as the opinions and feelings we have of ourselves. How we perceive ourselves affects our attitudes, what we do, and how we feel and behave towards ourselves and others.

Children with good self-esteem tend to be more positive, and will take on new challenges without giving in to anxiety and failure.

When children fail at something, and are encouraged to try again and again until they succeed, they learn to develop positive ideas about their own capabilities.

When parents are around to encourage and guide them in forming these right feelings they have about themselves, children will grow to have higher self-esteem.

They will have positive ideas of their own abilities, and feel more accepted and loved.

In helping children build self-esteem, we must first of all remember that they are unique. Accept them by recognising that each has his/her own unique talents and help to nurture their different abilities.

We should never ever compare them with other children.

Choose your words carefully. If she is not made out to be the next Mozart, do not make her feel unworthy and useless by saying: "Look at Jill, she can play the piano so well, why can’t you?"

Or if she compares herself with Jill, help her see that she is good at other things and praise her for her efforts in playing the piano.

Reward her effort even if she did not win the coveted Pianist of the Year award.

Instead of labelling your child as a "naughty boy", separate the bad behaviour and deal with it without judging the child.

Tell him/her: "What you did to your friend was not good" instead of "You were so naughty".

Allow them to make some of the decisions on their own. This does not mean that you give them total freedom to do as they please.

By letting them decide on simple things, as long as their choices are not detrimental or extreme, our children will learn independence and be self-decisive.

Allowing them to make their own judgments and feel good about the outcome also help strengthen their self-worth.

In that way, they gain confidence and their self-esteem is raised.

As parents, we can provide them with a safe and loving environment. Be there for them, listen to them and build up the trust and respect between parent and child.

When children know that they are loved for who they are, they feel more secure.

Positive feelings about themselves will in the long run help them be confident with people, experiences and challenges they would come across in their lives in the future.

The EQ factor

IT used to be that our IQ was the deciding factor of success. However, more and more employers and clients look for our ability to be able to mix with a wide range of people, to listen to the needs of our customers or be able to read people and their actions.

To know how to do all of that, we need to have a well-developed EQ or emotional quotient.

The concept of needing a strong and positive EQ comes from Howard Gardiners’ multiple intelligence model that is based around the concept that people are not just intelligent in one area (such as logic and reason which is what IQ tests normally measure) but a range of intelligence that ­includes creativity, language, ­understanding nature and our social skills.

EQ refers in the main to our talent or intelligence in reading the emotional cues of others. Someone with a highly-developed EQ is likely to get on with a wide range of people, is a natural networker and is quick to accurately read the needs of the people they are relating to or working with.

While there is no doubt some people are natural at this, it is possible to model and teach behaviours to children to help them develop these skills.

The investment of this pays off ­particularly if you want your children to succeed on a worldwide stage where there is a range of different cultures and peoples.

Our world is getting smaller with each passing year, and being able to break through social constraints across a range of cultures will help your children move far in their chosen career.

If this is something that does not come naturally to you, it is possible to learn the skills you need to model the correct social behaviours to your children.

Try the following steps:

» Talking about feelings
This isn’t about letting our children emote all over the place but rather, it’s about teaching them to identify their own feelings so they can manage them.

Use three-word sentences that start with “I feel”. For example, “I feel angry”, or “I feel sad”. This is about not pointing a finger of blame at another person, but instead identifying the feelings you have when they do that.

» Turning -ve to ­+ve
Teach them the energy of ‘negative’ ­emotions. For instance, teach them to harness their fear of public speaking to become an outstanding public speaker.

If a child is angry, they can use the anger to energise themselves out of an angry situation.

» Listening to their feelings
Encourage children to listen to their own feelings when making decisions or setting goals.

We tend to put energy into the things we feel positive about. Find a way to harness positive energy to get jobs or work done. A happy heart has a lot of energy to complete a task.

» Teaching responsibility
Teach children to take responsibility for their own feelings. This is tricky as children instinctively will want to blame someone else for their anger or sadness. Instead of saying: “You are annoying me, stop it”, encourage your child to say: “I feel angry”.

This still warns the other child of a possible result of their continued annoying behaviour but does not escalate the issue.

» Teaching empathy
Encourage them to empathise with ­others. If we always seek first to understand another’s actions, we then are able to change our reactions to them, and adapt our behaviour to get a better result out of them.

This is a great thing for us parents to do as well. A three-year-old’s temper tantrum, when understood to be as a result of fear, hunger or tiredness, can then be easily solved.

Our emotions can actually propel us, direct us and empower us far further than we give them credit for.

Spend time teaching your children to identify their own emotions and read them, and you’ll have children who know how to use their own developing Emotional Intelligence to get them places.

How To Say No to People

Saying no is a challenge that each of us faces every single day. Some of us are very good at saying no, while others struggle with the concept. Due to the need to "people please" or be popular, we sometimes take on anything and everything. This just isn't healthy! Here is how to say no even when it is uncomfortable.


1. Utilize your common sense. Saying no is uncomfortable sometimes, and it should only be done when there are no other viable options. Spend some time thinking over any requests before answering, and see if there is a compromise available. Do not rush to answer and then realize that you could have gotten by with saying maybe.

2. Answer people with a respectful no. When we are faced with a situation where it is not in our best interest to answer a request, it is important to decline and say no with kindness. Most people will accept rejection gracefully if it is done with respect.

3. Speak in an even, calm manner. When saying no, you should always keep your voice on an even keel. This will help to ease the stress of the situation, and avoid arguments. People like to get their way, and saying no will be stressful sometimes. Always remain calm when saying no.

4. Suggest an alternative to their request. Sometimes when you say no, it is an opportunity to help someone come up with a better idea. Do not be afraid to give them alternative choices. You may not be able to host that party, but you might be willing to help out in some other way. Think over any request and suggest another idea.

5. Stand your ground when you are challenged. Some people will not take no for an answer and this is when it is vital that you stand your ground. Do not give in to anger, bullying or abusive behavior. You have a right to say no to any request that you are uncomfortable with. Say no, and mean it!

5 Qualities of a Good Leader

1. Vision
A leader must have a vision. That means having a reasonably clear idea of where you want to take the country or company. It is best to be able to put on paper exactly what that vision is. If you can't put your vision in writing, then it is likely that you don't have one.

2. Communication
A leader needs to have the skill to communicate his or her vision. Without communication skills your followers and the rest of the stakeholders whose lives and careers you affect, will have no clue about the direction you are taking the party or company. This will create dysfunction and, likely discord.

3. Passion
A leader must have passion. As a leader, you have to show your team that you want to accomplish the goal badly. Your passion will drive them towards the goal and achieve your vision.

4. Decision-making
A leader must be a great decision maker. Often, leaders face times of crisis or great pressure where they are forced to make quick decisions. A leader must have this skill. This quality includes team building skills. The ability to delegate responsibility to team members is important. But be careful not to abdicate control. A leader needs to project trust. But, the trust is conditional upon the need for feedback and follow-up action. This means maintaining the action as an agenda for the next meetings until the task is completed. Otherwise, dysfunction and discord will set in.

5. Character
A leader must have character. This means being able to project not only strength but, virtue. If the leader is corrupt and crony-laden (this applies to politics and business), followers will mirror these qualities. A selfish leader cannot inspire virtue. He can project strength, of course, through fear and intimidation. But the values will be negative ones. Loyalty will be at a premium.

In the real world that we live in we see many leaders having some of these qualities but the absence of others. No one is perfect. Perhaps the idea is to identify a leader or, be a leader with the least imperfection.

Kepimpinan Melalui Teladan?

Seorang kaunselor sekolah pulang awal dan mendapati anak pengetuanya sedang menjolok buah rambutannya yang lebat dengan galah yang panjang.

Kaunselor : Hei budak, apa kau nak buat? Nak curi rambutan aku ye? Nanti bila bapak kau
balik, aku akan cerita dekat dia. Siaplah kau!

Budak : Kalau nak cerita dekat dia sekarang pun boleh.

Kaunselor : Hah?

Budak : Sebab bapak aku ada kat atas pokok!

Kaunselor : (Patutlah Tuan Pengetua balik lagi awal)