Gratitude: The Forgotten Virtue

It's Danke in German, Merci in French, Gracias in Spanish, Xia-xia in Chinese and Nandri in Tamil. In English, it simply means 'Thank You.'

'Thank You' - It is one of the most polite and welcome phrase in the language of love. To thank is to be grateful. And it is a happy feeling enjoyed by both the giver and the receiver. It is a virtue shared even by the animals. A dog, for example, will wag its tail upon receiving food from its master.

Even though gratitude is an act that can bring joy to our hearts, it continues to be an under-rated virtue. The increasing number of Old Folks Home, the rise in the rate of suicides and abortions are some of the dreadful consequences brought about by the lack of gratitude. At times, we too, take things for granted and fail to appreciate the efforts made by others to make our lives easier.

Why is it so necessary to have this virtue? What are the benefits of being grateful? Is it because of its sentimental value? That it makes us good to say 'Thank you'? No! The value of gratitude stretches far beyond that. It is more than giving us the happy feeling. It actually enriches our whole life and the lives of others around us as well.

Personally, being grateful helps us to appreciate life better. When we practise the art of gratitude, we become more aware of the many beautiful things in our lives. It makes us more sensitive to all the good things that life has to offer. We will no longer take things for granted. And when that happens, our lives will become brighter, more alive, and more meaninful.

There is a true story told that a certain doctor in NSW, Australia who would even prescribe a 'Thank you Cure' for some of his patients who came to him discouraged and full of negative thoughts. Now this doctor would tell his patients, "For six weeks, I want you to say 'Thank you' whenever anyone does you a favour and to show you mean it, emphasize the words with a smile." And true enough, more often than not, these patients would return to him, very much convinced that people had become more kind and friendly toward them.

The art of gratitude will not only help the person who says it but also the one who receives it(The giver). It affirms the receiver that his effort to help is not in vain but is very much acknowledged and appreciated. It strengthened his conviction that giving is indeed a worthy cause. That it pays to give. And in this respect, gratitude fosters cooperation and helps to promote the art of giving.

Last but not least, gratitude also helps in building up our faith in God. To keep our relationship with God alive, we must never stop thanking him. When we thank God, we accept the fact that he is alive and is working in our lives. And so we put our trust and confidence in him as our provider and saviour.

As a matter of fact, there is so much in life that we can be thankful for. We can thank God for our beautiful country, Malaysia, for our wonderful parents, great friends, so on and so forth. But the real test in gratitude, my friends, lies not in our ability to give thanks in good times but in bad times. When we are criticised, betrayed or persecuted, can we be thankful in these hours? For the trials that we face?

In the book 'The Song of the Bird', Fr Anthony de Mello told a wonderful story from the Middle East on the kind of attitude that we should have in facing criticisms or difficulties of life. In this story, there was a monkey up a coconut tree and being naughty, it hurled a coconut at the head of a sufi, a religious man. What was remarkable was that this man did not reacted angrily or showed any obscene signs towards the monkey despite the pain he was experiencing.

Instead, he picked the coconut up, said 'Thank you', drank the milk, ate the flesh and made a bowl from the shell. Making full use of the coconut thrown at him.

Perhaps, there is an important lesson on gratitude that we can draw here. And I sincerely believe if we can do what the sufi master did, then we can fully appreciate whatever life is throwing at us in a grateful manner.

Thank you!

(Adapted from a talk given at the Sitiawan Charismatic Renewal meeting in SFDS Church, Sitiawan, 2005)

What's in a Name

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist

Body Language

Usually we associate gestures with those who are deaf and dumb. For those of who can hear and speak, there rarely cross our mind as something terribly important. But in reality, gestures or body language can be as helpful to us, as to them. It, sort of, gives us the extra edge in our day to day communication. More so for those of us who aspire to be good public speakers.

In fact, an American psychologist by the name of Albert Mehrabian did a study on this and found that the total impact of a message is about 7%verbal(words only), 38%vocal(how we say it) and 55% non-verbal. That means more than half are based on gestures. So who dare to say that body language is not important?

Today, I would like to share with you whatever little knowledge that I have on body language. And as time is short, I would only touch on some of the basic ones, namely the gestures involving the eyes, mouth and hands.

First, the eyes. In his book, 'The Tell-Tale Eye,' Hess says that the eyes give the most revealing and accurate account of all human communication signals. "It's all in the eyes," he says.

You want to know how a person really feels, look into the eyes. If you look into the eyes and the pupils dilate or get bigger, that means the person is excited or interested in what you say. Try this on your spouse tonight. Say "I love you" and look into her eyes. You will see the pupils growing big. If not, you are in trouble, man!

Now what if the person does not look at you while you are speaking. Chances are he is lying. He dares not face the truth. That's why he is turning his eyes away.

But in case of flirting, it is different. It is the case of 'now you see, now you don't.' First, she will look at you. Then she will turn her eyes elsewhere. Then she will look at you again. This time the gaze will be slightly longer than normal. And beware of those sideway glances of a pretty lady. Boy! They will knock you out.

Enough of the eyes. Now let us go to the mouth. A pout means disapproval or dislike of what has happened. A pressed-lips indicates that "I do not want this or I disagree" while biting one lips often reveals embarassment, especially when he forgets to zip his fly and get caught for it.

If someone covers his mouth or slightly touches his lips with his finger, that is also an indication that he is trying to hide something.

Be careful the next time you put a cigarette in your mouth while playing mahjong or cards. You might, unconsciously, give your game away, even if you remain poker face. if you have a good hand, you are likely to blow your smoke upward and if you do not, you are likely to blow the other way round, downward. Perhaps for the next mahjong session, you might want to offer a cigarette to your neighbour.

Let us proceed further down, to the hands. Aha! The hands can do many things, can show many things. An exposed palms reveal honesty and openess.It is as though the owner is saying, "Look, I am completely open with you. Believe me."

But if he rubs his palms like this(slow), watch out! Something fishy is in the air. The opposite happens if he rubs them like this(fast), it means "I am excited about what you have to offer me."

A note of caution though. Sometimes people rub their palms not because of anything but simply because they are feeling cold. So please don't go around interpreting every gesture that people make.

If someone puts his palm on top of yours while shaking your hands, that means he is dominant. Bosses tend to do that. And if you like to put yours under his, that means you are submissive.

Learn to shake hands like a man. When you are introduced to someone, shake his hand firmly. Like this...not crushing his hand though. A firm handshake shows that you are confident and gives a good first impression. Businessmen must always learn to shake hands firmly if they do not want to be manipulated or seen as weak by their others.

If you are giving a talk, the arms is an important indication how people are reacting to what you say. If your listeners fold their arms, you have a problem. Your message is, most likely, not getting through. They have put up a defensive wall. It is time to change your strategy.

Learn not to cross arms when you are meeting someone you like. Be natural and let them hang by the sides. It reflects openess and friendliness. But if you want to show displeasure at someone you don't like, you can always put your hands on the hip like this.... It implies "You dare to fight me? See how big I am," I always used them against my naughty students. Work all the time!

There are many things we can learn by observing the gestures of others. However, to be a good body linguist, you should never make the mistake of interpreting gestures in isolation. Instead learn to read them in context. Look out for other gestures as well, to verify and confirm.

For instance, if someone is lying, he would not only want to turn his eyes away. He would also not want to expose his palms or leave his mouth uncovered or untouched. All these inter-related gestures are called cluster gestures and must be studied in total. Also try to see if his gestures are consistent with what he says.

If you are able to do all these, then 'bingo!' we have a body language expert in the making.

(Presented as a Prepared Speech in the Sitiawan Toastmasters Club meeting, 2000)

Selamat Bercuti

Salam Sejahtera kepada rakan-rakan KSPK sekalian.

Cuti intra-semester ini menandakan bahawa latihan praktikum kita telah berakhir. Syabas diucapkan kepada semua kerana telah menyempurnakan satu misi yang penting dalam kursus kita. Pastinya ramai yang rasa lega selepas enam minggu bergelut dengan pelbagai cabaran dan emosi di sekolah masing-masing.

Dalam tempoh lebih kurang satu minggu ini, gunakan masa yang terhad ini untuk melapangkan fikiran dan mengembalikan segala tenaga yang telah habis dikerah di sekolah.

Pergilah jalan-jalan dengan keluarga tersayang atau baliklah ke kampung menjenguk saudara mara yang sudah lama ditinggalkan. Atau temankanlah saya menonton Sukan Olimpik yang sedang berlangsung di Beijing.

Ini kerana selepas balik IPRM nanti, kita bakal dilanda tsunami assignment lagi. Kadang-kadang apabila terfikir lambakan kerja tugasan ini, rasa geram betul kerana tidak faham kenapa kursus setahun yang cuma bertaraf sijil ini dibebani dengan begitu banyak assignment.

Lagilah geram apabila mendapat tahu Kursus Diploma Pengurusan Kaunseling anjuran IAB cuma memakan masa setengah tahun sahaja!!

Namun kekadang terasa juga bahawa membuat banyak assignment ini mungkin ada hikmahnya. Kalau rajin buat assignment, banyaklah pengetahuan yang boleh diperolehi. Kalau banyak kesusahan yang kita tempuhi, lagi tinggilah darjah empati kita terhadap kesengsaraan klien nanti.

Mungkin elok juga kita mengambil sikap yang positif dalam hal ini. Buatlah yang terbaik. Jangan pula beri banyak masalah kepada pensyarah. Apa kata kita hadapi cabaran-cabaran semester akhir ini dengan lebih bersemangat lagi.

Jom kita gempur semester baru ini dengan satu hati!

Some Interesting Facts about The Lings: What are We?

1. My grandpa, a Foochow, came to this country in the 50s to escape the extreme poverty in China. Over here, he opened a sundry shop in Sitiawan, Perak which was quite popular among the locals.

2. Because my grandpa died at a relatively young age, my religious-minded grandma almost single-handedly raised up two generations of the Lings. Thus, she enjoys a very special place in our hearts for her dedication and love in bringing us up.

3. Being poor, my parents worked hard to make ends meet. At one time, mum held three odd-jobs simultaneously to put my siblings and me through varsity. She has not stopped working since. Now, with the help of dad, she sells flowers and vegetables at Sitiawan market.

4. Two of my aunts live abroad. Dorothy resides in London, UK and Mary in New York, USA. Another two, Barnabas & Theresa live in KL and Shah Alam respectively while Mariam lives with grandma in Sitiawan. Most are enjoying their retirement or semi-retirement life.

5. Two of my siblings are doing their own business. Francis is in the 'air-cond' business while Annie has her own consultancy firm dealing with human resource training and management. As for Anthony, Paul and I, we all chose to become teachers.

Who's Who in My Extended Family

This is my extended family, the Lings. Today I want to introduce them to you, in chronological order. First, my grandparents(the late Joseph Lim, my grandpa and Ding Chua Moy, my beloved grandma). Then my parents(Dominic & Maria). Next, my aunties and uncle(Dorothy, Barnabas, Theresa, Mary & Mariam) and finally, my siblings(Francis, my only sister, Annie, Anthony & Paul)

My Extended Family : The Lings

"Saya pulak tak boleh simpan rahsia."

Tiga orang kaunselor yang ternama menghadiri satu konvensyen kaunseling dan sedang berbicara antara satu sama lain. Lalu seorang kaunselor pun berkata, "Orang, kalau bermasalah, datang pada kita, macam mana dengan kita? Nak bagi tahu siapa?" Maka seorang lagi pun jawab, "Kita semua profesional. Macam mana kalau kita dengar masalah satu sama lain sekarang juga?" "Itu satu cadangan yang baik. Jom kita mulakan sesi," jawab yang ketiga,

Maka kaunselor yang pertama pun mengeluh, "Saya sebenarnya kaki judi. Oleh itu, saya caj klien saya mahal-mahal, melebihi yang sepatutnya, kononnya saya ini hebat sangat."

Bila tiba giliran kaunselor kedua pula, dia pun mengadu, "Saya pula sebenarnya seorang penagih dadah. Suka menggelapkan duit rakan kongsi saya untuk dapat bekalan dadah. Teruklah saya ini."

Mendengar cerita kedua-dua rakan tadi, dengan rasa penuh empati, kaunselor yang ketiga pun mengaku,"Saya lagi teruk. Saya pulak tak boleh simpan rahsia. Apa yang saya dengar saya kena hebohkan dekat seluruh dunia!"